


Happily Ever After

by Dawnlight6



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-11 07:59:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3319979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawnlight6/pseuds/Dawnlight6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the real world, Anthy wants to fix things. Utena isn't so sure they can be fixed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been four years since Utena had seen her, but she recognised her at once. That hair, flowing free as seaweed beneath the water. Purple, the colour of royalty, and lust, and arrogance. Those eyes, green as the earth, deceitful as the sea. Utena would not allow those eyes to draw her in a second time.

"Utena-san," was all Anthy Himemiya managed in her soft voice before Utena swept past her in the college hall, gaze turned away, teeth gritted against the torrent of words she would never allow herself to express.

_You were my friend_

_I trusted you_

_You betrayed me_

_I loved you_

_You let me think you loved me too_

_I loved you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

It was four years ago, Utena thought. Four years. It's over and done with now. I've moved on…I don't care why she's here, what miracle has brought her to the outside world…

Miracle. Utena laughed at herself, cynically. Curse, more like. She'd learned by bitter experience what Dios had known long ago – that Anthy Himemiya was a witch, spreading death and darkness wherever she went and caring nothing for the lives she destroyed along the way.

Even a plaintive "Chu?" did not make her turn her head. Better not to remember, better not to think of any of it. That was all she'd done for the past four years – not think of it. She'd gritted her way through four years of school, not remembering that she was once a duellist foolish enough to believe she could change the world, not remembering the girl she'd been deluded enough to think she could save; deluded enough to believe needed saving. Not remembering the man she'd given herself to who had only wanted to make her a passive doll for his own amusement.

She'd escaped all that. She'd become…Well, not normal, but she'd learned not to stand out the way she once had. True, she was detached and had no friends, and people thought she was a bit weird because of that – the way, perhaps, everyone at Ohtori used to think that Anthy Himemiya was weird, but damn it, she'd gotten away from the madness and was just starting to put her life back together again. She didn't need the past popping up out of nowhere to screw it all up again.

Utena sped home from college as fast as she could after that brief hallway encounter. Her car, a doubtful second hand affair that tended to conk out if she pushed it into anything beyond an amble, wasn't happy about it but at least lasted until she reached her apartment.

Letting herself in and dumping her schoolbooks onto the couch, she went into the kitchen to make herself a steadying cup of coffee. The percolator bubbled away happily to itself while Utena gripped the edge of the kitchen bench with white-knuckled hands and gasped in enough breaths for a platoon of marathon athletes. It didn't seem to make any difference. She still felt sick and faint as the heroine of a gothic romance, and hot tears splattered onto the floor as she blinked. That was how much she didn't care about this anymore.

* * *

Normally, Utena woke early. She didn't the next morning. She slept right through her alarm, and only just managed to get up in time to stumble into her lecture a few minutes late with messy hair and sleep still clinging to her eyes.

She wasn't in the best mood. She'd missed her jog and her breakfast, and on top of that had dreamt of Ohtori all night, wandering through empty hallways knowing she was looking for something but unable to remember what.

The last thing she wanted to see was a wild tumble of purple hair, attached to one very specific individual, sitting a few tiers down from her in the lecture hall. What was this, Utena thought savagely as she scribbled mindlessly into her lecture pad, had Anthy decided to become her stalker now? Were there so few universities in Japan that she couldn't have conceivably gone somewhere else?

Utena was first out of the room at the lecture's close, and she didn't pause to look back.

At lunch time, she hid herself in the empty gym and went over her notes to avoid thinking. She was appalled at the gibberish she'd apparently written. Scraps of Tennyson drilled into her by her eighth grade English teacher, maths equations Miki had taught her that she would probably never use again, part of a letter she'd started writing to Wakaba who she hadn't thought of in years. All of it detritus from the wreckage of Ohtori, disturbed from the depths of her subconscious mind.

Last of all, at the bottom of the final page, was a nearly illegible scrawl that made Utena more furious than all the rest put together.

_As long as you're free of the swords now, I don't mind._

"Like hell I don't," Utena muttered, slamming her book shut.

"Utena-san, I'd like to talk to you."

It was with a kind of inevitable resignation that Utena looked up to find Anthy standing before her. This was the old gym they were in; the college had opened a new one recently and left the old to languish with promises of renovation that were never fulfilled. Usually it was kept locked, but this made no difference to Utena, who had gotten her hands on a key. She preferred coming here to the new facilities. Here, it was quiet. Here, she could be undisturbed.

Until now.

"Go away," Utena said, though on some level it wasn't lost on her that Anthy had, for the second time, left off the  _sama_  title of which she had once been so fond.

Anthy sat down next to Utena on the bleachers.

"I will," she said, contrary to appearances. "First I just…wanted to apologise to you for everything that happened. For everything I did."

"And by everything you mean…?"

"Deceiving you. Using you. Hurting you. Betraying you right—" Anthy's voice broke for a moment. "Right at the end."

Keeping her expression blank, Utena shrugged. If the old ache in her heart had started up again, she wasn't about to let Anthy see. She'd learned a thing or two herself about concealment in the last few years.

"I suppose it was what you and Akio planned all along." To Utena's relief her voice was steady, though it felt like she was hearing herself speak from a long way away.

"No," said Anthy, her reply uncharacteristically sharp. "Akio really did want you to be his princess. To live with him in the Castle of Eternity and be loved forever. He would have given that to you if you hadn't insisted on fighting him. If you hadn't tried to save me."

Utena stared down at the empty basketball court of the gym, eyes burning and mouth dry as she remembered that other terrible arena and what had come to pass there. "I didn't want what he offered," she said roughly. "It was nothing but a lie. How could I have lived that perfect life with him when you were paying for it with the swords?"

"I know. You threw away everything he offered. You threw away the dream of your childhood for me. And in return I—"

"Stabbed me in the back with a sword."

Utena threw the words at Anthy's feet like the challenge to a duel. She watched in fascination as Anthy's hands clenched and unclenched several times in her lap. Witch's hands, she thought. What spells had Anthy cast with those hands? How many men had she ensnared, as Utena herself had once been so foolishly caught?

When Anthy at last replied she spoke in little more than a whisper. "It's no excuse Utena, but I was afraid. He'd told me so many times I couldn't live without him that I'd really started believing it. We were together for such a long time…longer than you can imagine. Sister and brother, princess and prince—"

"Sacrifice and executioner?" Utena said brutally. "Master and slave? Carnal woman and lustful man?"

"Yes," said Anthy calmly, though her hands were shaking. "Those things too. He'd become a torment, yet I was terrified of losing him because he was the only piece of my world I had left. The only way I knew of being myself, however awful the cost. You were taking that away, Utena, and I was too scared to imagine there could be anything else in its place. That's why I betrayed you. I'm sorry."

"Is that all?" Utena said, still obstinately staring down at the basketball court and refusing to meet Anthy's eyes. She didn't like that apparently Anthy had decided  _san_  should go the way of  _sama_ , but she also wasn't prepared to comment on it, given that it could only be a deliberately bold, if misguided, move on Anthy's part.

Indeed, Utena could never remember Anthy being as forthright, or as talkative, as this in the past. Perhaps being in the real world had changed her. Then again, perhaps it hadn't, and this was just the beginning of a new and elaborate game designed to lure Utena in.

"No, that isn't all."

At last, Utena was shocked into looking up. With no electricity, they were half in the dark, yet there was no mistaking the emotions stirring in the green depths of Anthy's eyes. The restless desire Utena couldn't pretend not to understand anymore. The still disbelieving revelation of joy.

"Even after I did that, you took the swords for me, Utena. You opened my coffin and set me free. You did what no one else has ever done. What no one else had ever even thought of. You sacrificed yourself to save me. I didn't even know that was possible. I didn't realise there could be any other ending. But you gave me that, Utena. You gave me the power to choose my fate for myself."

"If that's really true Himemiya, I'm glad. But I don't understand what you're doing here."

"I came here because I didn't want to stay there. Once I had my freedom, I chose to leave Akio and Ohtori and that whole fucked-up world. I've been looking for you to four years."

"Why?"

The question seemed to take Anthy aback. "Because I – I wanted to say thank you."

"You've said it," Utena pointed out.

"Yes, I know, but—"

"Then what are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be on your way?"

"Utena." Anthy said it like a gentle caress. "I know I hurt you. I know I don't deserve your trust. But…you're an extraordinary person, and I miss you. During the time of the swords – that long, awful eternity, you were the only person who showed me kindness. Who offered me friendship. I was filled with too much suffering to appreciate it then, but I can now. Please, can't we start again?"

"That friendship was four years ago Himemiya, when we were schoolgirls living in a skewed fairytale controlled by a megalomaniac fallen prince. This is the real world, where things are different."

"I see. So what you're saying is that you hate me now?"

There was a terrible defeat in Anthy's voice that gave Utena pause. She remembered what she had really seen as a child; a tormented little girl with hopeless eyes who looked down at her from a web of swords. The million swords of hatred, that Anthy had borne for time longer than memory.

The swords had been there constantly, though Utena couldn't see. They'd been there in every slap and insult the students of Ohtori had thrown at Anthy; they'd been there in everything Akio had done to her. Utena knew those swords. She knew them intimately. She had felt them tearing into her body, her soul, filling her with the conviction that she could never be loved by anyone again, that all she deserved was hatred, undying, forever.

If Utena herself became the swords now, if she became just like all the others who had found it easier to condemn Anthy than examine themselves, then what the hell had been the point of fighting to the death anyway?

She let out a breath. "No Himemiya," she said softly. "I don't hate you. Never that. But I don't know if I can deal with you being here like this, in my life."

Utena risked another glance at the girl beside her. She blushed when their eyes collided, realising again how different Anthy looked. It wasn't just the loose hair and lack of glasses; it was her eyes. There was so much to see in them, more than Utena could take in. When Anthy gave her a slight smile, she was amazed at the way it lit up the depths of her eyes.

"I thought you'd forgotten," Anthy admitted ruefully. "It was so hard to find you. It took me so long. I couldn't find a trace of you anywhere, and I thought it was because you didn't remember. So I thought if you met me now, we'd be able to start again as friends, the way we should have done the first time around. It wasn't until you looked at me yesterday that I realised you did remember, and that therein lay the reason for the difficulty. Because you didn't want me to find you."

"Look Himemiya, I can't be your prince. Even if you think I revolutionised the world or whatever, that was never what I wanted. Well, it was, but not like that. I just wanted to help people, and be good. I never wanted to possess another human being."

"I know that Utena. I didn't come here to play out the farce of the prince and the Rose Bride again. I left all that behind in Ohtori. Can't you tell I'm different now? When would I ever have argued like this before?"

"Well, now that you mention it…"

"It was hard at first. Passivity was the only defence I had, and giving it up was…more frightening that you could imagine. But I've had four years to adjust, Utena. Four years in which I had to make my own way, manage my affairs, come to decisions, talk to people, look for you. I still…don't do it well all the time. I still don't like crowds. I have to work up the courage to talk to strangers. I can't lie politely to people I don't like. But I'm not the way I used to be. And I'm not asking for anything except the friendship you once offered me."

Utena looked at her again, so earnest, so seemingly sincere. A warning was screaming in her head, but she couldn't seem to heed it. Other memories were swimming to the surface, all those inconsequential moments with Anthy that had somehow added up to the most important relationship of her young life. Drinking tea late at night in the quiet of their dormitory, sharing dreams and secrets in low, murmured voices, lying together at lunchtime on the green, green grass of the hillside that always smelt of sunlight.

And there was that feeling, the one that had blossomed in her heart without her noticing. The sure conviction that she and Anthy would always be together, that nothing would ever tear them apart.

"I don't know Himemiya," she answered haltingly. "I don't know if we can be friends."

Anthy hung her head. "I see. In that case I'll leave you alone. I'm sorry to have troubled you."

"No," Utena said quickly, perhaps a little too quickly. "Don't leave yet." There was an awkward pause. "What are you even studying, anyway?" she asked, desperate to fill the silence.

"Botany," came the prompt answer.

That made Utena smile. "Of course. That makes sense." Somehow she thought Anthy would know already, but she told her anyway, "I'm studying health and fitness."

"How do you like it?"

"It's okay. But why were you in my lecture today? Taking nutrition as an elective?"

"No. I didn't have any classes today. I just wanted to see you."

"Typical," Utena said, suspicion flaring in her gut. "You haven't changed at all, have you?"

"Like I said, I'm trying. I still get things wrong sometimes. I've found it…difficult to adjust to this world. It's so different to what I knew before."

"How did you get into this university? Did you even bother to finish school?"

"I had all the necessary paperwork," Anthy said, in a way that was both prim and evasive.

Utena groaned. She'd forgotten how infuriating Anthy's answers, or lack thereof, could be. Still, she could imagine what had happened. It had been chaotic for her too when she'd first awoken in the real world. Somehow, Utena had been given a whole new life, with a story that everyone apparently knew better than she did. According to this version of events, she'd left the mysterious and prestigious Ohtori Academy in order to be closer to her aunt, who had returned to Japan after losses to her business venture in the U.S.

Everything had been arranged for Utena in advance. All of her files and records had been forwarded to her new school, along with a glowing reference from Akio himself that had made Utena blind with fury when she first read it. She even had friends who knew her, or thought they did.

It was as if she had appeared in the real world, and the world had adjusted itself to fit around her. It had been confusing at first, trying to deal with the memories of a world so different, wondering sometimes if she was mad yet knowing that she wasn't. Trying to fit into a world that was not her own, but must become so because she sure as hell wasn't going back to what she'd left behind.

Anthy too must have endured all this for the last four years. All for Utena's sake.

 _But I didn't ask her to_ , Utena reminded herself.  _I don't owe her anything_.

Utena sighed and rubbed her forehead. She was getting a headache. "Do you have somewhere to stay?" she found herself asking.

"Yes, I have a room."

"A room?" The answer surprised Utena. It was rather incongruous with how she thought of Anthy.

"Yes. I am a student now."

"Of course. You always were very thorough in playing your roles."

"This isn't a role. This is my life."

"You gave up eternity to be a college student?"

"Why not? You did."

"That's different," Utena said huffily.

Anthy giggled. The sound tore a small hole in the already fragile armour around Utena's heart. Had she ever seen Anthy express happiness before? She found she wished she could laugh with her, but only allowed herself a half-smile.

"Chu-Chu isn't with you today?" Laughter inevitably made Utena think of the unruly little marmoset.

"No. You offended him yesterday. He wouldn't come."

"Well perhaps if Chu-Chu agrees, the three of us could have a picnic sometime…I guess I do owe him an apology."

Anthy's face lit up in a way Utena had never seen before, and Utena found herself smiling at her in return. She didn't admit to herself what had just happened.


	2. Chapter 2

A pile of unpaid bills awaited Utena in her letterbox when she arrived home from university that evening. She sighed and tossed them unopened into a drawer. Utena's aunt had died last year after a short illness. She'd left her money in trust for Utena, but until she turned twenty Utena couldn't access the money herself. Every time she wanted something, she had to justify the cost to her aunt's lawyer, who seemed to think eighteen year old girls could live on air and fresh sunshine alone.

Utena had been with her aunt when she died. Right at the end, she'd taken Utena's hand in a weak grip and whispered, "Have courage, Utena. I know…everything." Utena still pondered those words. Such a grand statement to make. Yet she'd said it so quietly, so matter-of-factly. What had she meant by everything? The craziness of Utena's past? Something that was still to come in the future? And why would she need courage for it?

Since starting university Utena's life had become almost absurdly spare. On her limited funds, she rented a small apartment and attended a small humble university in an even smaller and more humble town. She lived simply. She got on with her studies. She worked hard at her personal fitness. She had only the vaguest ideas of what she would do in the future. The old Utena, perhaps, would have dreamt of the Olympics or something equally grand, but Utena wasn't like that anymore. She thought of working in a gym, or maybe becoming a personal trainer or a coach. She loved sports, she enjoyed her studies. But when she thought of the future she often found she didn't care very much.

It seemed like a flat and lifeless country to her, nothing like the future she'd once imagined for herself as the world's fairytale hero. But back then, her dreams were being manipulated by a sadistic prince who was something more and less than human. So of course how could anything that the real world had to offer compare?

It left a bitter taste in Utena's mouth whenever she thought about it.

She reached into her pocket and drew out a crumpled piece of paper. Placing it on the bench before her, she smoothed it thoughtfully beneath her hands. Himemiya's telephone number. Himemiya.

It was crazy, but Utena wanted to call her. Tonight was Friday, and the forthcoming weekend seemed to stretch before her vast and lonely. As brief as Utena's contact with Anthy had been, it reminded her of what it felt like to have a friend, to not be alone.

That was a dangerous memory to have.

How did Anthy pay for her room, Utena wondered. How had she paid for her university fees? It had been difficult enough for Utena to get the money for hers out of the tight-fisted lawyer.

Perhaps Akio…But surely he wouldn't have made it easy for her to leave…?

Utena sighed and went to have a shower. She didn't sleep well that night.

* * *

Her phone rang at one p.m. the next day. When she answered, she was surprised to hear Anthy's voice.

"How did you get my number?" she asked, somewhat suspiciously.

"Ah – I asked one of your team-mates from basketball. I told her we were old school friends and I'd been meaning to ask you for your number, but forgot. I know I gave you my number, but…it was obvious you weren't going to call me."

"If you know I don't want to speak to you, why did you go to such lengths to get my number and call me?"

"I wanted to ask you something."

"Yes?" Utena let the suspicion in her voice show.

"You have a thing in this world called the cinema. I've never been to one. As I understand it, it's something friends do together. And…I've been a little short on those these last four years."

"Wait – you're calling to ask me to go to the  _movies?_ "

"Why not?"

"Because it's…After everything we've done, doesn't it surely seem a little prosaic?"

"Not at all," said Anthy's calm voice on the other end.

"Why not?"

"Because I've never been to the movies with a friend. Maybe it's something that people here do all the time. But I never have. So it's not prosaic at all."

"But you  _stabbed_  me Himemiya!"

"Why do you keep bringing that up?"

"It's not the sort of thing you can just forget about. You can't just…go to the movies and think everything is okay."

"Utena, I'm trying to start again. With you. I want things to be different this time. Not tainted. Not messed up. But that's not going to happen if you can't let go of the past. I understand if you can't, I really do, but maybe in that case…"

Anthy's voice faded into silence on the other end of the line. Utena waited, not trusting herself to speak, still not sure she wasn't being played.

"Look Himemiya," she said finally, "it's not just a matter of forgive and forget. It's not that simple. We have to actually talk about what happened. All of it. We have to be sure we understand each other. There's not a solid foundation otherwise. You can't just sweep it under the rug and pretend like it never happened."

"I don't know Utena. I'm not good at talking about…some things. I don't have the words."

"Then maybe it's time you found them."

A faint chattering came through the phone. Anthy clarified, "that was Chu-Chu. He says he's forgiven you for being so rude the other day and would like to go on that picnic you mentioned."

"How very convenient."

It wasn't lost on Utena that Anthy had just changed the subject.

"He misses you Utena. We both do. Let's meet up tomorrow. Even if it's just for a couple of hours."

Utena sighed. "Okay, I'll agree. But on one condition. When we go out tomorrow, any question that I ask, you have to answer. Truthfully. No matter how much you think the answer will hurt."

"Yes, I owe you that," Anthy replied quietly.

"Well." Utena huffed uncomfortably. "Tomorrow then, I guess? I have a car of sorts; I can pick you up. We could have a picnic and then go to the movies afterwards."

"All right. Midday?"

"Midday. Bye."

As she hung up the phone, Utena tried to shake the feeling she'd just agreed to enter the duelling arena again. A quick look at the weather forecast informed her that it might rain tomorrow. Good. If that happened, they could call the whole thing off. Utena wouldn't have to see her. She could keep her questions to herself, and not worry about what she might do once she finally had the answers.

* * *

Sunday was indeed overcast, but the rain seemed to be holding off. Utena showered and dressed and ignored the nervous fluttering in her stomach, and at the appointed time went down to her car, half hoping it wouldn't start.

But with a loud grumble the engine roared into life, and with a quick glance at the address she'd scribbled down, Utena set off.

Apparently Anthy lived on a quiet suburban street full of homes that mostly belonged to young families. Utena was surprised when a woman who looked to be in her mid-twenties accompanied Anthy out the front door.

She approached the car, smiling. "Ah, so you're Anthy's friend. It's good to meet you! She doesn't say anything, but I know Anthy has been a bit lonely since she moved here. I was so relieved when she told me she'd run into an old school friend."

"Just one of those lucky coincidences I guess." Utena's answering smile was tight. Who was this woman? Why did she care so much about Anthy? Several disquieting scenarios flitted through her head, all of them unlikely but none totally impossible, given what she knew Anthy could do.

Meanwhile, Anthy had quietly settled herself into the passenger seat of Utena's car without a word. Excited little Chu's were coming from under her blouse, and she absentmindedly reached up to pet the quivering lump on her shoulder.

"Hush," she murmured. "Utena needs to concentrate on driving."

"Uh well, I guess we'd better get going," Utena said to the strange woman. "Have a pleasant afternoon!"

She drove off in a nervous screech of wheels, causing curtains to twitch in several of the neighbouring houses.

They'd been driving for a few minutes before Utena ventured the question. "So um, who was that?"

"My landlady. She teaches at the local primary school and rents a room out in her house, which I'm currently occupying."

Uneasily, Utena glanced across at her passenger. Anthy was sitting stiffly, her eyes opaque as she stared straight ahead.

"Sorry," said Utena. "I thought maybe—"

"I know what you thought."

"She just seemed so…enthused."

"She's been kind to me. She's a kind person."

"How did you meet her?"

"I answered an ad in the paper. There's a bus on the main street that goes to the university, and a small shopping complex on the corner there."

Anthy pointed it out as they passed.

"Huh. Was that a tea emporium I saw?"

"Yes. Actually … They have the best selection for miles around. Tipped this place in my favour when I was looking. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it; it's pretty well known."

"Well," Utena said quietly, "I don't drink tea anymore."

"Oh…I guess…that makes sense. I shouldn't have brought it up. Sorry."

Chu-Chu chattered to fill the awkward silence that bloomed.

"So…I was thinking we could go to the beach for this picnic."

"The beach?" Anthy's tight shoulders eased just a little.

"Yeah. It's about a forty minute drive. That okay?"

"Is it a nice beach?"

"Would I take you to one that wasn't?"

"No, you wouldn't."

Utena's heart pounded in her chest at the soft smile Anthy gave her, and she quickly looked back to the road.

They drove mostly in silence the rest of the way. When they got to the beach, it wasn't crowded. The water was too cold for swimming this time of year, and the clouds overhead were steadily growing darker. Maybe coming here hadn't been such a great idea, but Anthy didn't seem to mind. They found a secluded cove sheltered from the wind with an overhang above them that almost made a cave, and watched in silence as the restless breakers rolled into shore.

As soon as they were settled, Chu-Chu dove happily into the pre-packed lunches, making Utena smile. Gently, she patted him on the head.

"Hey, Chu-Chu, sorry for the other day. You've forgiven me now, right?"

"Chu-Chu!" Chu-Chu confirmed, nodding vigorously even as he kept stuffing food into his mouth.

"Ah, that's a relief. It would be awkward if we couldn't be friends."

Utena was surprised at how happy she felt to be here with Anthy and Chu-Chu. All her anger and resentment seemed to have melted away to nothing, no longer important in this new chapter of her life. But it wasn't good, how easily she was falling. She thought she'd learned to guard her heart better than this; she'd sworn she'd never find herself back here again.

She glanced up to find Anthy watching her with sunlight and shadows chasing each other through her eyes. Her hair was flying free in the wind, and she hugged herself a little as a cold gust made its way into their shelter.

"That was the first time I knew you were different, you know," Anthy said softly. "When you were kind to Chu-Chu. I should have realised back then how special you were."

Utena snorted. "Deluded more like."

"Inexperienced. Not deluded."

"Yeah, maybe."

It was a little unnerving, having Anthy watch her like this. What on earth was she looking for?

"You said," Utena's voice had gone a little hoarse. "That you'd answer my questions today. Is that still okay?"

Anthy nodded. "Ask anything you like."

"What was happening at Otahri when you left? Was everyone okay?"

"Everyone was fine. Things had gone back to being much the same. But I left right after you did, Utena, and I haven't heard anything since then. Four years is a long time. Anything could be happening there now."

"But how did you survive? What happened after the swords? When I woke up and found myself here, I thought…Well, I thought I'd failed." Utena gave an uncomfortable laugh, only now letting herself feel the full bitterness of that imagined failure in her mouth.

"You didn't fail. You revolutionised the world and set me free. But Akio was too blind to see it. He thought nothing had changed, and that it would all go on as before. He was already making plans to start up the duels again. But I was awake and  _alive_  and I wanted more than anything to find you. So I left."

"But what about money? How have you survived here? Surely Akio didn't just let you go."

"I always had my own money. That was never how Akio controlled me."

"Yes but once you'd decided to leave, didn't he try to stop you? He was your legal guardian. He could have taken your money away, sent the police after you, done anything."

"There would have been no point. His control over me was broken, and he knew it. Even if he'd taken everything and locked me up, I still would have belonged to myself more than I have in a long, long time. Every time he saw me it would have been a reminder of his failure. That's why he let me go."

"I still can't," Utena's voice was shaking, "Stand to think about what he did to you. You were in so much pain, and I didn't even notice. What an idiot I was."

"I hid it from you, Utena. I didn't want you to know what I truly was. I wanted to be the person you thought I was."

"Yeah, I was dumb about that too. I didn't get you were just playing along with whatever I wanted, being the perfect Bride."

"It started out that way, but after a while…I started to like the person you imagined me to be a lot more than the person I really was. And it used to terrify me to think of what would happen when you found out the truth. I knew how you would look at me, and…I never wanted to see that hatred in your eyes."

"I never hated you, Himemiya. It hurt, what you did, but I didn't hate you for it. These last four years, what hurt more was thinking about you still being with him. I figured that was the most likely outcome, if you were still alive."

Yes, that was really the thing that hurt. Knowing both of them had chosen each other over her. Knowing she'd never really mattered except as a pawn in their game. Knowing that everything from Anthy's friendship to Akio's seduction had been a lie designed to make her give up herself.

"Utena," Utena stiffened a little as Anthy leaned up against her, but didn't push her away. "I'm not with Akio anymore. I'll never be with him again. It's finished."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I was scared at first," Anthy admitted. "But now…I guess I'm trying to learn how to be happy."

"Were you and Akio always…Involved?"

"No. That didn't happen until after he changed."

"Did he force you?"

"Did he force _you_?" Anthy returned.

"You know…I've asked myself that a lot these last four years. At the time, I didn't even understand what had happened. But I can see now I wasn't ready. I was scared. He knew that. And…He used his charm and his power and his wit to make me his anyway and he didn't really care if I wanted it or not. The way he did it was so clever he didn't have to use brute force. I censored myself to please him."

"Well then," said Anthy softly. "You already have your answer." With a sigh, she pulled herself away. "If there's just one thing I could change about the past, it would be that. To have not sent you to him when he asked it of me."

"If there's one thing I could change," said Utena, "I wouldn't have gone with him. Not just because of what he turned out to be, but because even though I didn't fully understand why, I knew it would hurt you. The whole time I was with him, you were the one I was thinking about."

She drew Anthy back to her, wishing with an ache in her heart that things could have turned out differently; that it could have been Anthy she'd been with that night instead of Akio; that Akio hadn't even been a shadow on the horizon. But that wasn't how things worked in Ohtori. Rose Brides didn't get to choose, and as innocent as she was back then, even Utena had dimly perceived that, and known it meant that nothing could happen between them.

"All the victors…You slept with them, didn't you…If they wanted it…"

Anthy's voice was tired. "You already know the answer to that, Utena. The first night in our dorm, I tried to make you claim me as your Bride. Those were the rules of the game, but you pretended not to understand. Others were not so shy. I think it gave Akio some kind of thrill to send me off to other lovers, knowing I was really his when they were touching me, wanting me to be theirs."

"That's so fucked up."

"It was part of being the Rose Bride. It was part of my identity. Inasmuch as it was that, it was important to me because being the Rose Bride was all I knew how to be, and if I was desired then I was succeeding at the only thing I could do."

"But giving yourself up like that to whoever won you, whenever they wanted you, however they wanted you…I can't believe…It must have been…"

"Torture. Yes, it was. Every time it happened. And that was when I would slip away, hide myself deep inside my coffin where no one could find me. And it never mattered, because I was only a cipher onto which they could project their own fantasies. It never mattered whether I was there or not. They never noticed when I was gone. No one did, until you."

Utena remembered how it had felt, the first time she'd touched Anthy's hand, reaching into the hellish depths of her coffin and begging her to try. Barely more than a brush of fingertips not meant to last. They'd both deserved so much more.

"Looks like it's starting to rain," Anthy observed.

"Yeah," Utena agreed, watching the grey curtain of water falling just beyond the lip of their somewhat inadequate cave. Somehow, Anthy had ended up wound tightly into her arms, soft hair tickling Utena's cheek, her dusky skin warming Utena wherever they touched.

As antithetical as it was to Anthy's prior position, it must have cost her a lot to be this open, especially if she feared some of the answers she gave might make Utena turn away from her forever. It must have cost her to show her feelings, even in the face of Utena's reluctance. It went against every strategy of self-preservation she'd been forced to learn.

Maybe Utena had been selfish to make her dredge up all that pain again.

"Thank you for today," she whispered. "I know this was hard for you. It means a lot to me that you were willing to do it, even though you didn't want to."

"Thank you for giving me another chance. This is another chance, isn't it?"

Utena nodded, allowing herself to smile. "I guess it is. Another chance for both of us."

* * *

They waited for a break in the rain before heading back to the car.

"Are we still going to see a movie?" Anthy asked hopefully as they buckled themselves into their seats.

"We can if we go now. It's already four o'clock, and I have track tomorrow, so I'll have to get up early."

"That's fine. Do you know what's playing?"

"No idea. I forgot to check the papers."

"Well, it doesn't matter. I don't care what we see. I'm just…happy to be with you." Anthy smiled at Utena in a way that was almost shy.

Smiling back, Utena thought wonderingly, she does look happy, and it seemed incongruous that something so simple could make Anthy happy after everything she'd been through. Just having a friend. Just spending time together, doing silly things.

The cinema car park was pretty crowded when Utena pulled in, which was no surprise since there wasn't much to do on a rainy afternoon around here. Utena told Anthy she should pick the film since this had been her idea; Anthy insisted Utena would have a better idea of what they'd both like, and in the end they decided on a sci-fi action flick from Hollywood that was certainly not the most cerebral film on offer but would prove a welcome relief after what they'd spent the day discussing.

Equipped with tubs of popcorn big enough to impress even Chu-Chu, who smuggled himself into the theatre in Utena's pocket, they settled down in the dark. There were quite a few students here from the university, most of them couples, most of them snogging. Anthy seemed more interested in the film, gasping in genuine surprise when the massive robots and aliens came booming onto the screen, nearly starting out of her seat at the explosions. It was a little strange to see her so entertained.

Chu-Chu got sick at one point and Utena had to take him into the bathroom to avoid a disaster, but somehow even that made her smile. In ten years time, she thought, it was the kind of thing she and Anthy could laugh about together.

_Remember the first time we went to the movies and Chu-Chu gorged himself on popcorn…_

In ten years time. Looking at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, Utena wasn't sure which shocked her more. That she was beginning to imagine the future again, or that she automatically assumed Anthy would be in it.

It was about seven by the time they got out. After a patchy lunch and popcorn for dinner Utena was hungry and exhausted, but also strangely euphoric. The streetlights slid past as they drove back to Anthy's place, blurred patches of colour in the rain, and it was kind of sad to know the day was over. Utena found herself wanting to savour these last moments; the crisp smell of the air, the way that new smile lit up the depths of Anthy's eyes, how it felt to be sitting here in the car with her, warm and dry, while outside raindrops streaked down the windows.

There were lights on in Anthy's house but the teacher didn't come out to meet them. The engine idled. Utena fiddled with her hands.

"So Himemiya…Do you have classes tomorrow?"

"From ten till four."

"Ah. I've got a bunch of training early in the morning and then one class from ten till twelve."

"I have a break from twelve to one," Anthy volunteered.

"Well we could meet up for lunch. Though, the cafeteria isn't too fancy…"

"It doesn't matter. I'd like to have lunch with you."

"Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Anthy confirmed, her voice whisper soft.

Utena watched her hurry up the path to that neat suburban house, the rain darkening her hair. She was still full of mystery and allure, even in such a prosaic setting.

This was the woman who had hurt her, betrayed her, made her whole life fall apart.

And yet she was also the woman who was making Utena feel alive for the first time in years.


	3. Chapter 3

Utena's life rearranged itself into a new pattern as if it was always meant to be. She and Anthy became tangled up in one another's lives; studying together, going out together, eating lunch and sometimes dinner together. Just like before.

Anthy started coming to Utena's sporting matches and Utena followed Anthy into the forests and gardens and green spaces she seemed to have a sixth sense for finding, and watched her collect all kinds of plants and herbs and mostly forgot everything Anthy told her about them as she harvested and prepared them with her capable brown hands.

Sticking to some unwritten rule, they never went to each other's houses. It still wasn't really clear to Utena what footing they were on, and not being in each other's private spaces made dealing with that easier.

Utena knew what would likely happen should she find herself alone with Anthy at home, and she wasn't sure she was ready for that.

After everything Anthy had endured, did Utena even have the right to ask her, to want her the way she did? Even if Anthy wanted it too? Could she have truly become so far removed from her old self that there would be no shadow of the Rose Bride and the Engagement in whatever might happen between them?

And was Utena so far removed from the Prince she had once so foolishly played? Would the old temptation surface again, to let Anthy cater to her every dream?

It was something they should have talked out, but Utena was too scared and Anthy didn't seem to be aware there was anything that needed to be said, just accepting whatever happened as it came.

So far, they hadn't even kissed.

Except for that one time, long ago.

The first night together in their dorm. In the still, small hours after midnight, Utena had woken to find Anthy in bed with her, pinning her to the mattress, kissing her with meltingly hot passion.

"I am the Rose Bride," she'd whispered, "and you are the one to whom I am engaged. This is meant to happen." Her lips had grazed Utena's throat, settled over her ear. "Make me yours."

At the time, Utena hadn't wanted to admit it, but her body throbbed with desire at that soft, husky plea, at the sweet scent of Anthy on her skin. She'd wanted to take her, maybe like all those other victors had, and it was hard, so hard, to remind herself this wasn't what she wanted.

With an effort, Utena had sat up and pushed Anthy off her, trying to hide her laboured breathing. "H-how about we just try being friends instead, okay? I'm still looking for my prince and well, I don't think Rose Brides can be princes."

Anthy's eyes had darkened then, which Utena had taken to mean she was embarrassed or upset at the rejection, but how much worse it was. How unknowingly cruel Utena had been to say that to her. No. Rose Brides could not be princes, for they were the ones the princes consumed. The ones who bore the sins of the prince so he could stay pure.

Without another word Anthy had climbed out of Utena's bed and back into her own, and until the day on the beach neither of them ever spoke of the incident again.

But all too often Utena thought of it, and what might have happened if she hadn't pushed Anthy away.

She knew it couldn't be like that next time, with Anthy offering herself when she didn't even know who she was or what she wanted. She had to learn to belong to herself first, and Utena had no idea how to measure such a thing.

Anthy watched her sometimes like she was waiting for Utena to make up her mind; waiting patiently because she already knew what Utena's decision would be, eventually.

That got a little unnerving sometimes.

Two weeks before Christmas, Utena was shocked to get a letter from Wakaba in the mail. She was living in Tokyo, apparently, learning to be a make-up artist, and the production company she was interning with were going to be filming close to Utena's town.

She wanted to come visit.

"What do you make of this?" Utena asked Anthy at lunch the next day, showing her the crumpled letter.

Anthy glanced over it, seemingly without much interest.

"Say yes if you want to see her. Do you want to see her?"

"Well…Yes. I've got no reason not to see her. But Wakaba is here in the real world. What does that mean?"

"It probably means that Ohtori is changing."

"Changing how?"

"You set me free, Utena, and you probably did the same for others as well. I doubt that Akio can control things there the way he used to. People can change, grow, leave. Just like I did. Maybe they're starting to realise that."

Adults in the real world. Was this what Utena had chosen, for everyone? She hadn't meant to decide the entire destiny of a world. All she'd wanted to do was keep her promise to save one tormented little girl.

But doing that had meant changing the world.

"Utena…" Seemingly knowing the drift of Utena's thoughts, Anthy took Utena's hand. "You did the right thing." She said softly. "Of all of us, you were the only one who acted selflessly and did the right thing. And that's why you were the only one who could save us."

"I saved everyone to become college students and make-up artists and…I don't know…Office workers?"

"No. You set people free to choose for themselves."

"Maybe. But at the time, I wasn't thinking of any of that. I wasn't thinking selflessly about the world. I was thinking about you."

"I'm glad you were." The intimacy in Anthy's voice was more suited to a bedroom than the college lunch hall.

"Would you like to see Wakaba too?" Utena didn't know why she asked. It wasn't like Anthy and Wakaba had ever been friends.

Anthy paused thoughtfully. "Yes, all right."

"Yes?" Utena looked at her quizzically.

"I don't think I'll get on with her, but…I suppose I'm curious."

That answer was as much a surprise to Anthy herself as it was to Utena. Utena could tell.

"Okay. I'll write to her. Let's see what she says."

Wakaba proved herself amenable to meeting both Utena and Anthy, though she also said she'd be so busy she might not get time to visit Utena's town after all, and would they like to come out and have lunch with her on location.

So it was a few days before Christmas Utena found herself driving with Anthy through a snowy mountain landscape, hoping that today of all days would not be the day her car finally decided to die.

The production company had booked out an entire resort for the filming. Wakaba was enthusiastic as ever, though she gave Utena and Anthy the occasional odd look as if she knew it was strange they were together but couldn't quite figure out why.

Her memories of Ohtori seemed scrambled, her understandings of Utena's sudden transfer even more so, but she was very sure about one thing that wasn't what Utena expected to hear at all.

"It's such a shame, but in the end the school had to close. Students just kept transferring away, and no one new ever enrolled. I was one of the last to leave, and the place was just so…empty. I felt like a ghost wandering round by myself."

Utena nearly dropped her lunch tray. "Ohtori is closed?"

"Mmm." Wakaba nodded decisively. "I think the chairman is still there…Didn't you used to know him? But everyone else is gone."

"Gone where?"

"Everywhere." Wakaba shrugged. "Wherever they wanted to go."

"But…" Utena met Anthy's eyes, speaking more to her than to Wakaba. "What will happen to Ohtori?"

Anthy's gaze was inscrutable.

Wakaba was the one who answered. "Who knows? It's just the times. Things change. Ahh! I'm running late; I have to get back to work. Feel free to stay as long as you like – your passes are good for the whole day!"

Once they were alone, Anthy said quietly, "Utena, we should get going. Look."

She nodded her head towards the large, expansive windows gracing the dining hall. Outside, a dark line of clouds were quickly massing on the horizon, promising snow and maybe worse.

"That doesn't look good," Utena agreed. "We don't want to get stuck here."

They'd been driving for about half an hour when the radio informed them of a blizzard warning for the whole area.

Utena frowned. "A blizzard warning? Where did that come from?"

"We'll be okay. We'll get back to town in time."

Anthy sounded sure, but very remote. Reaching out to her, Utena flicked a strand of her hair, and was rewarded with a warm gleam of green eyes.

"Hey, Himeimiya, what will happen to Ohtori? And Akio? You know, don't you?"

A few snowflakes fluttered down, and Utena switched on the wipers.

With a sigh, Anthy leaned her head against the window.

"I don't know for sure. But maybe what should have happened all those years ago when I sacrificed myself to try and save what couldn't be saved. The world was changing around us then, and I didn't want it to. I wouldn't let it. People had stopped believing in the prince, but maybe that's what was supposed to happen. Maybe he was meant to disappear."

"You mean Akio will die?"

"Ohtori and Akio and I all belong to a world that should have died out long ago. We're just…Leftover shadows of dreams. If Akio can't learn to adapt, then that's on him. I can't be responsible for his fate any longer."

"I wasn't suggesting you should be. It's just that…Despite all the terrible things that happened, if it wasn't for that world, I never would have gotten to meet you. It's weird to think of it being gone."

"I want to live in this world."

Anthy spoke so softly, Utena almost didn't hear her. She sounded terribly, terribly sad, and Utena's stomach clenched in sudden fear.

"But you can, can't you? Even if Ohtori disappears? You won't disappear?"

"No. I won't disappear. I'm part of this world now. The real world."

It may have been the real world, but it didn't quite feel like it today. Maybe it was seeing Wakaba again, or the mist that billowed down from the mountains, or the still, white world where nothing moved, where there wasn't even another car to be seen on the road.

By the time they reached the outskirts of the town, it was dark and snowing heavily. Lights flickered on and off fretfully; a harried looking policeman at a blocked intersection told them to get home and stay there.

"Maybe you'd better come stay with me till this blows over," Utena said.

She was breaking their unwritten rule, but for one, her apartment was closer right now than Anthy's house; for another, Utena knew that Anthy's landlady was away visiting her parents for Christmas, and she didn't like the thought of Anthy being alone, maybe for days, depending on how long this lasted.

"All right." Anthy agreed to the plan easily.

"I have a spare toothbrush, and I can lend you some clothes. And there's heaps of food. I've been stocking up for Christmas."

"You have plans?"

"Well, not really. I kept meaning to ask if you wanted to have Christmas dinner at my place, but…"

Utena pulled into her complex's car park and turned off the engine with a sigh of relief. Towards the end, that had been a stressful drive.

She sat for a moment and didn't finish her sentence. But there was the unwritten rule, which Utena was about to break anyway. And under far more dangerous circumstances.

"I hope we've still got power," she murmured.

"Shall we go up? Chu-Chu is hungry."

"Chu-Chu," the little marmoset agreed plaintively, from his perch on top of Anthy's head.

"Sure! I'll make us something delicious." Utena grinned to hide her discomfort, knowing Anthy probably wasn't fooled.

This complex wasn't fancy enough to have an elevator. Utena's apartment was on the third floor, and the stairwells and the corridors weren't heated. It was so cold walking up Utena could see her breath in front of her.

Thankfully, the power in her apartment was still working, so she immediately turned on the lights and the heating when they got in.

"Make yourself at home. I'll just find something for us to eat."

Despite Utena's vague motion towards the sofa, Anthy followed her into the kitchen. It was a small kitchen, far too crowded with the two of them. Utena switched the radio on for some distraction, listening to the many and varied weather experts all pondering the sudden blizzard.

"Hot coca? I um, don't have any tea."

"Cocoa is fine."

"Crap." Utena cursed as she opened her over-stuffed fridge and sent onions rolling everywhere.

"Utena." Anthy caressed her arm lightly. "You just drove through a blizzard. You're tired. Go lie down for a bit, and let me make dinner."

"Himemiya…How do I say this? Your cooking…"

"Don't worry. I've improved since then."

"Fine, fine. But no shaved ice. Way too cold for that."

Giving up possession of the kitchen, Utena went and flopped down on the sofa she'd offered Anthy a short while before. It was strange, listening to the sound of someone else in her apartment. Anthy seemed to be conducting some kind of conversation with Chu-Chu about the dinner menu; she was actually laughing.

It was a nice sound that warmed Utena's heart. But Anthy had been sad in the car coming home. What was that about? Upset over losing Akio? She'd seemed quite cold about his possibly impending death, which in Utena's opinion was no bad thing.

That's right. It was because she said she wanted to live in this world, but she said it like she knew she couldn't. Was she secretly planning to go back to Ohtori? What would be the point of that?

Should Utena ask her? Would she answer? Anthy had gotten better at that kind of thing, Utena had to admit, but there were times when she still clammed up and became unreadable. Even though it had only been about three months since Anthy had come back into her life, Utena knew more than anything she didn't want to lose her again. But if Anthy really wanted to leave, Utena couldn't stop her. No matter how much it would hurt. That was what free will meant.

But if she wanted to stay, why would she leave? It was a problem Utena was still pondering as she accidently drifted off to sleep.

She woke up a couple of hours later to a much warmer apartment filled with delicious savoury scents. A blanket had been draped over her at some point, and as she sat up rubbing sleep out of her eyes Anthy walked in with a steaming mug and sat down beside her.

"Cocoa, if you still want it."

"Thank you." Utena took the pro-offered beverage and sipped. "Mmm. It's good."

"Dinner is just about ready."

"Thanks. Sorry I fell asleep. I'm a pretty poor hostess."

Anthy giggled, and combed her fingers through Utena's tangled pink hair. "You look cute when you're sleeping."

Still a little groggy, Utena didn't resist as she otherwise might have. Instead, she found herself leaning into the touch and half wishing it would continue.

Anthy's fingers stilled in surprise.

"Don't stop. It feels good," Utena murmured.

She heard Anthy's breath hitch. Should they even be doing this? Utena didn't care anymore. They both knew it was a foregone conclusion anyway, that eventually this would happen. Slowly, Anthy's fingers began to caress her again.

Utena could hear the storm raging outside, rattling the windows. There was nothing else but the feel of Anthy touching her.

Dropping her hand, Anthy said, "dinner," her voice filled with the utmost reluctance. "It's going to burn if I don't turn the oven off."

"Yeah. That would be bad." Shaking herself out of her funk, Utena stood. "I'll come help you. It smells really good. What did you make?"

"A European style roast. Fitting for the season, don't you think?"

"And the weather. I wonder if Wakaba and the film people will be all right?"

"They'll probably get snowed in, but they seemed well prepared."

"Why a make-up artist?" Utena mused as they ate. "She was never  _that_  into make-up."

"Wakaba likes to be around people she sees as special and glamorous, but doesn't think she is glamorous herself."

"Hmm. You understand people too well sometimes. It's scary."

"I suppose I've had a lot of practice at reading people's hearts."

Anthy sounded sad again, and Utena examined her anxiously from the corner of her eye. She glanced away as Anthy caught her watching and concentrated on her food.

"This is delicious," she said. "You have improved. Remember the exploding curry? What a nightmare."

"Utena, why did you invite me here tonight?"

Just as Anthy asked, the apartment was plunged into darkness. The power, it seemed, had finally given out. Utena was about to make an excuse and start looking for candles, but Anthy was one step ahead of her. She'd already found some candles earlier and soon had them burning in mismatched holders in the centre of the table.

Outmanoeuvred, Utena gave in and met Anthy's eyes in the wavering light. "Truthfully? I didn't like the thought of you being alone. And I guess I didn't like the thought of me being alone either. It's nearly Christmas and the weather is bad and you just learned today that your old world might be dying."

"I already knew that could be a consequence of me leaving. I left anyway."

"You didn't tell me that before."

"It was my decision to make."

"Will you go back there now?"

"Is that what you're worried about?"

"I don't know. Maybe. This world doesn't really compare…"

"Do  _you_  want to go back there, Utena?" Anthy asked quietly. "Because I can make that happen."

Utena looked up sharply. "No, I—No."

"You're lying." Anthy said it matter-of-factly, not angrily.

"What would be the point of going back there?" Utena said, because she really didn't know, was baffled by her own desire, which, as usual, Anthy had recognised before she herself did.

Anthy just returned the question. "What would be the point, for you Utena?"

Trying to put her nebulous feelings into words, Utena said, "It's where everything began. If it's going to end…Don't you think we should be there? As witnesses?"

"You want to see the world end? I've seen that before, Utena. It's not pretty."

"I know that. I've seen it too. I've felt what the end of the world means."

"Akio will be there," Anthy said. "Can you see him again?"

"Can you?"

Rising from the table, Anthy walked over to the window. She stood with her back to Utena, her posture tense. "This is pointless. If you want to go, I'll take you. Just…give me tonight. With you."

Utena's eyebrows rose. "I have to spend the night with you or you won't take me to Ohtori?"

"No." Anthy turned suddenly, eyes blazing. "I'd never ask something like that. Either way I'll take you. But…I want you Utena. You want me. I want it to be tonight. If you don't, then you don't."

Utena found her mouth had suddenly gone dry. Passionate, fiery Anthy? Where had that come from?

"I want to Himemiya," she whispered, letting Anthy hear the longing in her voice. "But I don't trust my own judgement. I'm afraid that I'm just doing what I want and justifying it as the best thing. Even if this is the last thing you should be doing with me."

"Why should I not?"

"You're just learning how to be free. Being with another…Someone you were once bound to obey…Is that really going to help you?"

"Akio was the only one I was ever really bound to. I obeyed the victors because I was obeying him. If he wanted me to betray them, I did. You know this."

"But that night in the dorm, I wanted you." Utena lowered her eyes, a shameful blush staining her cheeks. "I knew how wrong it was, and I still wanted you."

"And that's why I know I can trust you." Abandoning her watch by the window, Anthy moved to where Utena was still sitting and wrapped an arm around her, using her other hand to tilt her head up until their eyes met. "Because you knew I had no choice, and you denied yourself rather than hurt me. You've already proven yourself when it mattered."

"Himemiya…"

"Just kiss me already. Please."

It was almost a broken sob.

Utena rose, and she was trembling. Anthy's arm tightened around her waist, her eyes the darkest shade of green Utena had ever seen them. Her hand was warm against Utena's cheek.

Tentatively, Utena kissed her. She felt Anthy's hand slide into her hair, tangling into her long pink tresses. The kiss deepened, Anthy's mouth opening hungrily against hers, and Utena moaned as something broke free inside her.

All that desire she'd kept wrapped up tightly, fearing for Anthy, fearing for herself.

She finally let herself feel it, finally allowed herself to admit how much she wanted this.

They abandoned the dirty dishes without a thought, almost forgot to take the candles with them, though they didn't do much anyway besides accentuate the darkness in Utena's room, just a few tiny points of light whose glow barely reached them.

Utena remembered to close the door to keep in what warmth there was. The temperature was dropping but it didn't seem to matter. Beneath the covers, Anthy's body was hot against hers, her hands were touching Utena everywhere and Utena's were just as eager.

Anthy's lips followed her hands, trailing fire over Utena's skin; Utena gasped and arched under that too skilful enticement and let the silken tresses of Anthy's hair fall through her fingers.

When Anthy touched her, fingers exploring her to her core, Utena could only shudder and bury her head in Anthy's shoulder, breathing in the scent of her, hands clenching on the smooth skin of Anthy's back.

It felt so good she didn't want it to stop, but somewhere in the back of her mind floated a vague sense of selfishness, to be the only one being pleasured like this. "Himemiya," she whispered, rolling them onto their sides, "let me…"

"Soon," Anthy promised, her lips searing Utena's with kisses; her hand moved more insistently between them, asking Utena to follow. Utena made a strangled noise in the back of her throat and hooked a leg around Anthy's waist, twining them even more closely together, all thought of anything but this evaporating.

This was Anthy as she'd never seen her before, free, intense, her breathing just as ragged as Utena's, as if just touching Utena was enough to make her come undone. Utena clung to Anthy and trusted her, with her body, with her heart, didn't try to hold back her cries when they came as her pleasure crested and rocked her with the power of a storm.

Anthy's hands steadied her afterwards, slowly stroking through Utena's hair, but Utena was nowhere near done yet. With tremors still running through her body she kissed Anthy, kissed her again.

"I want to taste you," she murmured into Anthy's ear, pressing her to the mattress, but gently, because honestly, Utena was a little scared right now. "I-Is that okay?"

She looked down at Anthy, seeking permission, painfully aware of all those previous occasions when no one had ever bothered to ask her.

Eyes huge in the near-darkness, Anthy nodded, drawing Utena to her, gasping as Utena ran her mouth down the side her neck. In a slow progression that made Anthy move restlessly beneath her Utena continued, savouring with consideration each new place she found.

Her stomach tightened with mingled nervousness and desire as she settled between Anthy's legs, her tongue sliding over skin soft as velvet, her fingers exploring to find sticky wetness. With a needy sound Anthy adjusted them slightly; arched her back and groaned a moment later.

"Utena…There…"

Utena's brain nearly went blank at the whispered husk in Anthy's voice, at the hands kneading urgently into her shoulders, holding her here, wanting her. A hitched moan escaped her, muffled against Anthy's skin, and she felt the muscles of Anthy's abdomen clench in reply.

"Utena…Utena…"

It was no more than a sigh, barely heard above the wind, mingled with the gasps of her building pleasure, but still Utena knew Anthy was saying her name like a secret spell, binding them together on this most magical of nights.

Anthy sobbed as she came, body bucking beneath Utena's mouth, leaving pride and something softer glowing in her chest. With a last few, lazy strokes she moved away and crawled back up the bed, glad to find Anthy's arms ready to receive her.

They nestled down beneath the blankets, listening to the still-raging storm. Surely enough snow had fallen by now to bury the whole town in drifts. Utena found she didn't care.

She moved a hand in slow circles over Anthy's back. "Was everything…okay?" she asked hesitantly.

"Much more than okay," came the soft reply.

"You don't regret it? You don't feel sad, or – or disappointed?"

Heat flickered in Anthy's eyes in a way that made Utena's heart race all over again. "Come here," she murmured, voice teasing, trailing her hand down Utena's chest, "and let me show you what I feel."

Utena laughed and went to her. Pink and purple hair merged together like the tangle of their bodies, and it wasn't until much later that they finally fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

It was nearly noon by the time Utena stumbled into her living room the next day. Thankfully the blizzard had blown itself out and the power was back on. She pulled back the curtains and glanced experimentally outside, seeing deep drifts of snow piled against every building. A snow plough trundled down the street with a slow line of cars crawling behind it. People were out shovelling snow from their doors; children shrieked in delirious delight at the prospect of snowball fights.

Utena was wearing her thickest dressing gown but was still a little cold, the frigid air of the apartment seeping through her. The radiators were definitely on, so that probably meant the power had only recently been restored.

She found Chu-Chu nested underneath the blanket on the sofa she'd used the previous night, and scratched his sleepy head in apology.

"Sorry Chu-Chu. Himemiya and I left you all alone last night, didn't we? You didn't freeze to death?"

Expecting him to be grumpy with her, she was surprised when he clutched at her fingers and chattered happily, shaking his head.

"Actually," Utena picked the little marmoset up in her hands. "I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I think Himemiya and I may be an item. Would that be okay with you?"

"Chu- _Chu!_ " said Chu-Chu, jumping up and down ecstatically in a way that clearly indicated approval.

He bounced away from her a moment later. Utena turned to see what had caught his attention and saw him running to Anthy, who'd just come into the room dressed in one of Utena's baggy old tracksuits.

Utena smiled at her, softly. "Good morning, Himemiya. I think I was just getting your guardian's blessing."

Anthy joined Utena on the sofa, returning her smile and settling Chu-Chu in her lap. "Chu-Chu adores you, Utena. Of course he approves."

"I…" Utena stopped, colouring. "I love you, you know." She glanced nervously at Anthy from beneath her lashes, heart skittering in her chest. Somehow last night it hadn't been said, though it hadn't seemed to matter then, when it was self-evident in everything they did.

Answering warmth kindled in Anthy's eyes, and something else Utena couldn't name, a flare of emotion almost like pain. Before she could ask what it meant it was gone, and Anthy shifted closer in a way that made Utena shiver with the remembrance of the night before.

"I love you too," Anthy whispered, leaning in to kiss her. Embarrassingly aware of Chu-Chu's excited little peeps, Utena drew back sooner than she wanted to, swallowing at the sight of the flush on Anthy's skin. The flush that she herself had caused.

With a sigh Anthy nestled her head into Utena's shoulder and closed her eyes. She spoke a short time later.

"If you still want to go to Ohtori we'll need to go soon. It won't be there much longer."

"You can feel that?" Utena asked.

"I can feel that."

Her voice sounded tired. Utena looked down at her, assessing.

"You don't want to go," she said.

"No, I don't want to go back there," Anthy agreed.

"Then we won't go."

"Utena…If you feel like you want to go back, you'll be drawn there anyway when the time comes. I'd rather go with you."

"Himemiya…" Something unpleasant prickled in Utena's gut. "What's going on?"

"The world is ending," Anthy whispered. She sat up and took Utena's hands, and suddenly everything was falling away, the morning and the apartment and even the couch they were sitting on. They wheeled through star-studded darkness, two girls lost in the immensity of the universe, fell and plunged through the sky of another world. Utena smelled roses and knew they were back. With a hard bump they landed – somewhere. She opened her eyes and saw the duelling arena, stark and empty, Anthy and Chu-Chu right beside her.

"What are we doing back here?" Utena demanded, trepidation in her voice. She scrambled to her feet, only just noticing she was dressed as a prince again. But she wasn't wearing her old black and red uniform; this prince's suit was of purest white, almost like the one Dios used to wear.

"Everything else is already gone, Utena. This is all that's left."

Beautiful, remote, Anthy stood beside her, with Chu-Chu perched on her shoulder and clinging to her still loose hair. Her clothes too had changed; she was in a dress, white not red, unnervingly similar to the one Utena had found herself wearing the last time she'd been in this arena, when Akio had taken the sword from her heart.

Anthy's eyes were focused on something in the middle of the duelling arena floor. Utena followed her gaze and realised the arena wasn't empty after all. Akio was there right at the centre, lying on his back staring up at the Castle of Eternity floating upside down in the sky.

Anthy approached him, her footsteps loud in the silence. Confused, wary, fearful, Utena followed.

As they drew closer, Uten'a mouth twisted in horror. She realised Akio wasn't just lying there, he was impaled with the prince's sword, blood blooming around him like a rose. His hands were raw and bloody, and even as Utena watched he grasped at the shaft of the sword, trying ineffectively to pull it out and shredding his hands further.

"Anthy," he panted, catching sight of her and smiling in a perverse parody of his old, charming ways. "You came back. I knew you would."

"I came here because I'm with Utena." Anthy spoke coldly, taking Utena's hand purposefully and drawing her forwards.

Akio looked at their clasped hands, back up to Anthy's face. He wheezed, seeming faintly amused, and blood flecked his lips. "I see. So she became your prince after all."

He leered at Utena. "I still think you would have been far more beautiful as a princess. That mantle…doesn't suit you."

"Go to Hell," Utena spat.

With a weak laugh, Akio said, "Oh, I think you'll find I'm about to."

There was a metallic ringing in Utena's ears, an angry buzz that spelled apocalypse and death and more pain than she could bear, and with terror in her eyes she looked up and saw the swords circling, circling, ready to fall.

"Himemiya what's happening?"

"It's fine Utena," Anthy said, dead calm in her voice. "They're not coming for us."

The swords began to fall and automatically Utena crushed Anthy to her protectively, tensing her shoulders and waiting for a million blades of hatred to tear into her flesh, but they didn't come.

It was Akio the swords took, punishing at last the fallen prince, skewering his body one after another with vicious glee. He screamed, teeth grinding in agony; pleadingly reached out a hand and touched the hem of Anthy's gown, leaving a bloody stain behind.

"Anthy, take the swords for me, please." It was a frightened, piteous moan.

"No Akio. Not this time." Immovable, Anthy stood looking down at him, no hint of what she was feeling on her face.

"Don't look, Himemiya." Utena winced as yet another sword fell, piercing Akio through the stomach. "You don't need to watch this." She tried to turn Anthy towards her, wanting to shield her from the awful sight. This was something Utena could barely stand to watch herself, as the swords went into Akio's flesh over and over again. How much worse must it be for Anthy, who remembered bearing the swords for an eternity, who had once loved the man dying upon them now?

With something like irritation, Anthy shook her off. "Isn't this what we came here to do? To witness the end of the world?"

Before Utena could reply, the last sword fell. Akio gave a despairing cry as it found some free bit of flesh to claim, and then suddenly both Akio and the swords were gone. Nothing was left but a bloody stain on the duelling arena floor.

Anthy's dress was pure white again, Utena noticed, Akio's bloody hand print gone.

For a moment there was nothing but the sound of the wind, eerie in the deep dark that began just beyond the edges of the duelling arena, the darkness that had once been Ohtori. And then the Castle of Eternity began to come down from sky.

Utena had seen this Castle fall twice before; she'd dodged its crumbling spires, once watched it smash the arena to pieces. But this descent was not like the other times. Gently the Castle spiralled down to them, turning itself right side up and coming to rest with its door just a few metres away from them, its foundations covering the stain of Akio's blood.

The door opened and Utena had to shade her eyes as brilliant white light spilled out from within. There was a sharp grinding sensation in her chest, and she gasped, knowing what it was. She felt Anthy's hand cover her breast gently, and winced and bit back a cry as the sword began to emerge, as Anthy drew its blade out of her. Oh god, she'd forgotten how much this hurt.

"H-how?" she asked unsteadily, staring at the gleaming sword in Anthy's hand. "Akio broke my heart sword on the Rose Gate."

"This is the end, Utena. But if you want it, it's also the beginning." Anthy placed the sword in Utena's hand, closing her fingers around the hilt. "This is why you wanted to come back here. The Castle was calling to you. If this world is going to live, it needs a prince, a hero. You've proven yourself that right here in this arena."

The sword was beautiful, like eternity in Utena's hand. Holding this sword, she remembered what it was to be a prince, to know that only she could save the world, to know that she was the only one worthy of having the power to do so. The light of the Castle seemed to mesmerise her, calling to her, begging her to save it; the only one who could.

"What will happen to me, if I step into the castle?"

"You'll become the prince. This world will be yours."

Utena spared Anthy a glance. "What will happen to you?"

"I'll become your princess."

"My princess?"

"Your princess. Not the Rose Bride. You're not a fallen prince."

"Himemiya, is this…What you wanted all along? Is this why you found me?"

"No Utena." Anthy shook her head. "I've told you what I want."

Yes, Utena realised, she had. In the car the other day, or a lifetime ago. She'd said she wanted to live in the real world.

"Why the real world? If we can be here, without the swords…"

"Here, I'm a princess," said Anthy softly. "Because I'm not a prince, I don't even have the option of saving this world. Being a princess is my only purpose. It's all I can be. Do you understand?"

"You don't have any other choice?"

"I do have a choice." Anthy met Utena's eyes, unflinching. "I can walk away from you and go back to the real world. But I won't do that. If you stay, I'll stay with you. I'll be with you for all eternity."

 _Just give me tonight_. Utena remembered those words, whispered with such longing. It made sense to her now. Anthy thought one night with Utena before she became the prince was all she was going to have. Just one night in which she could be free of the shackles of the princess. She understood the pain that had flashed across Anthy's face when she told Utena she loved her, thinking that Utena was shortly going to disappear forever.

Utena remembered how she'd felt when she wore the dress that Anthy was wearing now; how Dios had whispered to her so gently, so cruelly,  _you're just a girl, aren't you? And so, you will not have that power_. Lying crumpled in her white dress Utena had felt weak and terrified and angry all at once, but most of all she'd been filled with the horrible conviction that everything he said was true; that it was right for her to be helpless, for the destiny of the world to be out of her hands.

Yet even Dios had failed as a prince, and he knew far more about it than Utena did. He'd been born to it, created for it. If even he'd failed, what chance would Utena have? How long would it be before the mob came for her and she was asking Anthy to take the swords, no longer able to meet her newly awakened eyes?

She looked towards the shining Castle beckoning her, and looked at Anthy beside her with her eyes full of the end of the world.

Anthy really didn't know Utena at all.

Reaching out with her free hand, Utena stroked Anthy's cheek in a trembling promise. "I want to live in the world where both of us can be free. How could you think I'd want anything else?"

Hope leapt into Anthy's eyes, desperate and still not quite believing.

The sword vanished from Utena's hand. Maybe it was back inside her, where it belonged. Maybe it was gone. Utena wasn't sure. She'd never really understood the first thing about Anthy's world.

Like a developing photograph exposed to too much sunlight, everything around them began to disappear. First the Castle faded away, forlorn and sad, and then the arena itself began greying, its edges slowly being eaten up by the encroaching dark.

"Himemiya, how do we get out of here?"

Utena felt the arena shudder and destabilise beneath them. The whole thing started tipping and she began to slide, Anthy sliding with her. It was too much like before, and with a stab of fear Utena knew she was going to lose Anthy all over again.

But Anthy seemed to have a plan. She grabbed Utena's hand and ran with her, even as the ground crumbled away from their feet. She reached the edge but she didn't stop, yelling at Utena to jump, and trusting her, Utena did, launching herself into wide black nothingness and feeling Anthy's hand in hers.

She closed her eyes and fell for a long, long time.

Eventually, she landed with a jolt back on her living room floor, Anthy and Chu-Chu tumbling down beside her. Almost before Utena had managed to sit up Anthy was hugging her, crying, princess clothes gone, dressed again in Utena's baggy too-big tracksuit and murmuring Utena's name over and over like she had a quota to meet.

"You should have just told me," Utena said, embracing her gently. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted you to be able to choose." Anthy's reply was riddled with wretched misery.

"I'd already chosen." Utena drew back, looked at Anthy, and smiled. "With you, right here. This is my happily ever after."

"In the real world?"

"In the real world," Utena agreed. "With dishes piled in the kitchen and last night's leftovers still on the bench and my bedsheets in a state that doesn't bear thinking about. I want all of that, with you."

"Utena," was all Anthy said, her voice a breathy reply. It was all she needed to say.


	5. Chapter 5

Utena and Anthy spent the rest of the day cleaning up the apartment and shovelling snow with those of Utena's neighbours who were around. It was a bit surreal, after nearly becoming a prince, yet at the same time, comfortingly normal. Even after spending such a brief time in the duelling arena again, Utena found she wanted to do something normal. Something as far removed from the world of Ohtori as she could possibly get.

Ohtori really was like a fairytale; beautiful and magical, but savage and brutal too. It was the kind of world where girls were transformed into princesses to dance with the prince at the ball, but where other girls not as pure had to cut off their toes to fit into tiny glass slippers.

It frightened Utena a little that she'd wanted to be the prince of such a world, however briefly. What would have happened if Anthy hadn't come with her? Would she have even understood what was going on? And why on earth had Anthy said she would stay with her, in whatever crazy fairytale Utena made, when she wanted to live in the real world?

That was the part Utena didn't like at all.

That was Anthy being the Rose Bride, all over again, with or without the swords.

The weather stayed clear for the rest of the day, giving way to a still, cold night with stars shining brightly like needles in the sky. Anthy didn't seem to be aware there was anything left that was untoward. And maybe for her there wasn't. Maybe now Utena had chosen a world that was the end of it as far as she was concerned.

She was happy, and Utena liked seeing her happy. And all the other things – being able to touch her, to hold her, to have her here; Utena liked that too. This was maybe something like what she had imagined at Ohtori, all those years ago. Cookies and tea. The two of them being together, free.

Chu-Chu seemed to know it would be all right to sleep with them that night. After Utena and Anthy had gone to bed, he joined them and snuggled up to Utena with happy little Chu's, making Anthy shake her head.

"I have competition for you, it seems."

Utena met Anthy's half-playful tone with something more serious. "Himemiya…Why did you take me back there today?"

Anthy's eyes flashed in the dark. "In the end, I didn't have to. It was your power that took us there, Utena. Not mine. The power of this." She placed her hand over Utena's heart, or maybe over the sword that might or might not still be inside her somewhere.

"Then why did you come?"

"Because I knew what was going to happen. I didn't want you facing that alone."

"You should have told me. You should have explained to me why you didn't want to go."

"But if I'd done that, you wouldn't have gone. And I didn't want to take the choice away from you. Even if it meant losing you, I wanted you to be free to choose."

"Okay. But Himemiya? You didn't just give me the choice for my future. You gave me the choice for yours as well. That wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to you either."

"It had to be like that, Utena. In the world I come from, princesses don't get to choose."

"I know," said Utena. She found Anthy's hand and held it, a little fiercely. "But isn't that why you left and came to the real world? To be free?"

"Yes," Anthy agreed quietly.

"Then you shouldn't have gone back there. You would have been giving up everything you wanted to be with me. Just like before, when you gave up everything…for Akio."

Utena's voice faltered a little as she said his name. She hated to think there could be any similarity between Akio and herself; that her relationship with Anthy was anything like what his had been.

The mattress gave a little as Anthy moved closer, and Utena found she was reaching for her, wanting to be reassured but suddenly no longer certain she and Anthy belonged to each other at all, not in the ways that mattered. Not in the way that she'd tried (and failed?) to wait for.

"I couldn't lose you, Utena. Not again."

Anthy whispered the words into her ear while holding her far too gently, in a way that made nonsense of all of Utena's fears. Utena might have been swayed if she didn't half suspect this was Anthy's intent.

"But you would have lost me anyway if I'd become the prince," she said. "Isn't that why you asked to be with me last night? Because you thought we wouldn't come back?"

After a pause, Anthy admitted haltingly, "I didn't know what you'd choose. And I did want the chance for you and I to be together before we both became something else; that's true. But…Even if that world changed us, you would have changed it as well, Utena. The world you made wouldn't have been like Akio's. Whatever you created would have been beautiful. You have a good heart."

"Dios had a good heart, too and he couldn't save that world. Neither could you. Didn't you say yourself it should have died out long ago?"

"Well now it has," said Anthy, suddenly sounding tired. "Can't you just…be happy we're here and let it go?"

Utena shook her head stubbornly. "No. I need to understand why you were prepared to stay there with me. Whatever world I created, the dynamic between us wouldn't have been the same. I would have had power and you would have had none. Can't you see that would have destroyed us? Didn't you promise me you weren't here to play out the farce of the prince and the Rose Bride again? "

"I meant that, Utena. You were the one who wanted to become a prince. Badly enough that your desire took both of us back to Ohtori."

"Then you should have run and let me live with the consequences of my own stupid actions. If that meant I got trapped there…So be it. It wouldn't have been your fault."

"No," said Anthy. "You needed me to remind you of who you were. The fact that we were already there meant there wasn't much hope, but you'd resisted before. I had to trust that you wouldn't do the thing that would hurt me." She gave a sigh that might have been bitter amusement. "I trusted you enough to go there with you, but not enough to believe you'd make the right choice. I'm sorry. I should have known better. You always…surprise me."

Utena could feel Anthy's ribs brushing hers with every breath. Her skin smelled slightly spicy, maybe like nutmeg or cinnamon; probably from the tea blend she'd mixed before they went to bed. This wasn't like last night when everything between them had been heat and passion and the blossoming of desire long suppressed. Whatever this was, it was quieter. This was just lying together, feeling each other and not letting go, and in some ways Utena thought it was even more intimate than the night before.

"You need to learn to talk to me about stuff like this," Utena insisted. "You don't need to deal with these things on your own. Do you get that?"

"If I ever need a friend to talk to…"

"Yes, something like that."

"I'm still learning, Utena. I told you that."

"I know," said Utena.

Nervous fingers plucked at the lapels of Utena's pyjamas. "I feel like I'm waiting for you to say you think it was a mistake to be with me."

"Would not being together even solve anything?" Utena asked.

"No," Anthy whispered. "I'll still be in love with you. I'll still want you. That won't change."

Utena traced Anthy's body in her arms. "Maybe it is too soon," she agonised. "I don't know. I just feel like we have so much lost time to make up for. I don't want to be apart from you anymore."

"I don't want to be apart from you either."

"That blizzard," Utena mused. "We might not even be together like this, if not for that."

Sounding amused, Anthy said, "blizzards happen, Utena. Sometimes they're just blizzards."

"It was awfully convenient."

"Fortuitous, perhaps, because it gave me what I wanted. It gave me you."

Anthy was hinting at something, but Utena had no idea what she meant. "Fortuitous?"

"In fairytales, fortuitous things happen to bring lovers together."

"But this is the real world."

"It is the real world, but it's still magic." Kissing the back of Utena's hand, Anthy murmured, "this is magic, right here."

"So a blizzard blew itself up out of nowhere purely to allow us to get together. That's what you're saying?"

"Does that seem impossible to you?"

Utena laughed, more harshly than she meant to. "After some crazy fairytale world tried to make me its prince? I'm prepared to believe all manner of things."

"Utena…"

"It's fine, Himemiyna. It's fine."

Despite her words, tears leaked from Utena's eyes. What would be happening now, if they were in that other world? Would Utena have recovered all her certainty, her confidence, her conviction of her own brightly shining virtue? Would she and Anthy be walking hand in hand through an enchanted forest with the dew softly kissing their bare feet, knowing that everything they saw was theirs? Not much of a price to pay for it; just her soul and Anthy's freedom. Just giving up the very things she had believed in as a prince in the first place.

She felt Anthy stroking her hair, the soft, repeated motion slowly soothing her pain away.

"I just want to do the right thing, Himemiya. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"You're not sure," said Anthy. "That's hard for you. But it's the nature of the real world. Unchanging absolutes belong to the world we left behind."

"There's still right and wrong."

"This is not wrong. I promise you that, Utena."

Utena sighed. The night was very quiet outside, even for this small and humble town. She realised vaguely it would be Christmas Eve tomorrow night and wondered what Christmas used to be like for Anthy in Ohtori; if it had even been celebrated there. She could recall no memory of it, but when it came to Ohtori her memories couldn't always be trusted.

Christmas with her brother on the wide white couch.

Doing things Utena could imagine all too clearly, for she had seen Anthy and Akio do them, and done them with Akio herself.

With a sudden vengeful, unprincely glee, Utena was glad to remember that Akio was dead. She was even glad she'd witnessed his demise, and that she knew exactly how much he'd suffered before he died. He'd deserved every moment of that pain for what he'd done to Utena and Anthy, for trying to break the bonds between them that belonged to a magic older and more powerful than he could understand.

Then the moment passed and he didn't seem to matter at all anymore; he was just one more forgotten god in the long annals of the world. What mattered was that Anthy was here with her, that they'd found each other again despite everything, and pushing all thought of Akio away, Utena gathered Anthy closer to her and soon went to sleep.

* * *

The next day, Utena brought home a last minute Christmas Tree and a bagful of hastily purchased decorations, and Anthy brought home a family of cats.

"Um," said Utena, looking at the tiny mewling kittens and their gently purring calico mother, "Cats?"

"They were at the animal shelter. There was an appeal in the paper to find a foster family for them."

"That's why you didn't want to go shopping for a Christmas Tree? You went to get cats?"

"Aren't they cute though?" Anthy giggled, letting one of the kittens wrestle with her finger.

Apparently she still hadn't mastered some of the finer points of relationship communication, Utena reflected.

Unexpectedly that evening, the phone rang. Utena answered it to hear Wakaba's voice on the other end of the line. Apparently she'd only just made it back to Tokyo and she talked endlessly and excitedly about what it had been like to get snowed in with her production company.

"I'm sorry that you missed it,' she finished, her voice warming the way it used to in their Ohtori days. "We could have had a lot of fun together, Utena-kun."

Utena watched Anthy dangling Christmas decorations tantalisingly in front of the kittens and laughed.

"We were fine, Wakaba," she said. "We made our own fun."

"Really? Doing what?"

"Heh, well…"

She started as Anthy suddenly grabbed the phone off of her.

"I made love to her all night," Anthy said calmly. "She liked it."

The phone was cut off in the midst of Wakaba's high-pitched scream.

Utena stared at Anthy, dumbfounded. "H-Himemiya, that was really rude!"

Going back to playing with the kittens and not sounding the least worried, Anthy said, "Wakaba has a crush on you, Utena."

"Well…But that's just Wakaba being Wakaba. She's always like that."

"She can find someone to flirt with who doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Wait – Are you jealous?"

"No. I'm not jealous. I don't mind that you're friends with her. I just don't want her thinking she has a chance with you."

"This is Wakaba. She's just a normal girl, no matter what crazy things she says."

"I seem to remember  _you_  calling yourself a normal girl not too long ago."

"Look," said Utena, deciding to quit while she was ahead, "are you going to wave those decorations in front of the cats all night, or do you want to help me decorate the tree?"

Anthy gave her an unexpected kiss, leaving Utena flustered. "I'll decorate the tree with you," she said softly, green eyes glowing. "And then later…"

"And then later?" Utena echoed, a little breathlessly, when Anthy didn't finish.

"Hmm, later…" said Anthy dreamily, giving her a sidelong glance, and left the rest to Utena's imagination.

* * *

Another two months passed with surprising speed. Anthy moved in. The cat family left to go to their new homes and a pair of injured rabbits from the shelter took their place. Chu-Chu seemed to take it all in his stride, so Utena did the same.

Wakaba still called her. One weekend Utena even went and stayed with her in Tokyo, and didn't know whether to be horrified or amused when Wakaba took her to an all-women bar. Anthy was volunteering often at the shelter by this time, and sometimes even invited one or two people from there over for tea. The first time it happened was the day Utena gave up not liking tea and started drinking it again.

Utena was happy – happier than she'd thought it possible to be – but she found herself restless as well. Her studies had never really challenged her, but now, that fact was starting to bother her. She began pushing herself harder with no goal in mind. Anthy was coming first in all of her classes, seemingly without much effort. She was still often quiet and reserved around those she didn't know; still highly selective in the company she kept. Utena, too, was more selective than she'd once been.

The letter she got from Touga she burned without reading.

And then the day arrived when Juri came to visit. She knocked on their door with no prior warning and swept into Utena and Anthy's apartment like a queen at Utena's tentative invitation.

Her eyes took in Anthy and Chu-Chu and the injured rabbits. She saw the tea set laid out on the living room table, and glanced around the space, noting its size, or lack thereof, and the number of internal doors she could see.

"Just a one bedroom then?" she asked, as if this was an entirely reasonable thing to ask.

"Er," said Utena cautiously, "yes. Would you like to sit down?"

They had two couches now. Juri selected one and soon found herself sharing it with the rabbits. Anthy didn't approve of keeping animals in cages.

Utena and Anthy took the other couch. Anthy poured out tea for them while Juri absently began stroking one of the rabbits. It quivered happily and wiggled its nose.

Juri was as beautiful and poised as ever, Utena reflected, but she was different too. After studying her for a few moments, Utena realised why. She didn't look sad anymore. She wasn't tormented. She looked…at peace with herself.

Noticing Utena's scrutiny, Juri smiled. "I still remember everything," she said. "If that's what you're wondering. You remember too, don't you?"

"We remember," said Anthy, before Utena could. She handed Juri her tea.

"Hmm," said Juri, stirring her tea meditatively. "The duel called Revolution; what really happened then? I've been wondering that for a long time."

"I lost," Utena said, staring shamefaced into her tea, at the same time as Anthy said, "she won."

Flicking her eyes between them, Juri sipped her tea. "How interesting."

"Well," said Utena. "It's a bit complicated to explain."

"Here's what I know." Juri sat forward, inadvertently displacing the rabbit who had half climbed onto her lap. "In the days after the duel called Revolution, I started to realise that the world was so much bigger than I had ever imagined. The things that I couldn't escape from; that had loomed so large in every part of my life; I realised it didn't have to be like that. I could leave them behind. Replace them with other things. I wasn't trapped anymore."

"You're talking about Shiori?" Utena asked.

"Yes, Shiori," Juri agreed. She tossed one perfect curl over her shoulder. "She really was an unpleasant girl. Looking back, I don't know what I saw in her."

"It's because she could reach your heart," said Anthy softly. "She just didn't take very good care of it."

Juri studied Anthy with a speculative and not quite friendly gaze. "Yes," she admitted eventually. "I suppose that's true. But none of that is the reason why I'm here."

"Which is…" prompted Utena.

"I need a duellist."

"A duellist?" Utena went a little cold at the word, images of swords and roses flashing through her mind.

"Correct," said Juri. "I'm putting together a fencing team to compete at the Universiade – also known as the World University Games. I want you to be on it."

"Me?" Utena floundered. "But I haven't picked up a sword since…Since that day. The day of the duel of Revolution."

"Why not?" asked Juri, scrutinising her intently.

Utena looked away, feeling a throb of pain in the old scar she still carried on her flank. "Because I wasn't good enough," she said tightly. "I lost. I lost Himemiya and I lost myself."

Juri glanced between them. "That's not really what it looks like to me."

Anthy placed down her teacup. "She only lost the duel to Akio because I betrayed her. I stabbed her in the back with the sword of Dios. I stabbed her because I was afraid she was going to win."

"What?" said Juri.

"It's true," said Anthy. "But even then Utena didn't give up. She still kept fighting for me. She scarified herself to save me. She set me free from being the Rose Bride. She returned me to myself. She set everyone in that world free to find their own destiny."

"So," said Juri to Utena. "Why don't you duel anymore?"

Anger flared in Utena, anger she didn't even know she still had. "Because I can't ever know if I would have won that final duel. I don't even know if any of those victories were mine. It might have been the spirit of Dios helping me, or Akio manipulating me to make my heart stronger; either way, it wasn't me. It wasn't my strength."

"That's your reason?" Juri tossed her hair again. "That's a coward's reason. No fight is ever guaranteed. If you went to face the End of the World himself without knowing that, no wonder it went badly for you."

"You weren't there Juri! You can't…You can't possibly understand what it was like."

Juri met Utena's infuriated glare with quiet calm. "You were good Utena. You were really good. You could beat me."

"But I couldn't defeat Akio, and now the bastard's dead I'll never get a rematch."

"End of the World is dead? My, my I am learning a lot here. Who killed him?"

"His own fucked up world," Utena growled.

"What do you think Himemiya?" Juri asked, switching her gaze to Anthy. "Should Utena take up duelling again? You used to watch her with such devotion." There was something slightly snide in her tone, and an unpleasant smile that seemed to hint at what she'd just learned about Anthy's actions during the duel of Revolution.

Anthy's eyes flashed angrily, and Juri stared at her in shock. Unlike Utena, she didn't know this Anthy, didn't understand that she was no longer what she had been. Ever so slightly, Anthy's voice shook as she replied, and Chu-Chu climbed into her lap, a tiny ball trying vainly to comfort.

"I used to watch Utena like that because her winning each duel was the only thing that stood between me and another night of being raped. Utena didn't know it – at first I don't think even I knew it; I'd forgotten that I even  _could_ belong to myself – but that is what was at stake, every time Utena fought. What you're talking about, Juri, some fencing competition, is a very long way from the duels."

Juri, it seemed, could make no reply, her mouth hanging open almost comically wide.

Utena released a breath into the tense silence and just brushed Anthy's hand with her own. "I did know, Himemiya," she whispered. "I always knew what was at stake. That's why I couldn't forgive myself for losing to Akio."

"I keep telling you, you didn't lose," said Anthy softly.

With a self-mocking smile, Utena said, "I lost even before the duel. I lost when I chose Akio over you, when I broke my promise to you and betrayed our friendship. I'm no longer worthy to carry a sword."

"Is that what you want to do then?"

"I don't know," Utena lied, staring into the dregs of her cold tea.

"Utena." The annoyance in Anthy's voice was obvious.

In a silky, coaxing tone, Juri put in, "Miki has joined the team too. He's just like always. Equally popular with the boys and the girls and as sweetly innocent about it as ever. He still calls his sister every week even though she's gone to study overseas. She teases him about it."

"Chu?"

Looking down, Utena saw Chu-Chu on her knee, offering her his tiny sword with a hopeful expression. She laughed, treacherous moisture beading her eyelashes, and felt both Anthy and Jury watching her. Seeing her own hand move in slow motion, she took the tiny pro-offered sword between her thumb and forefinger and looked up to meet Juri's hooded eyes.

"One fight, Juri. That's all I'm promising."

Juri nodded while a rabbit snuggled ecstatically into her lap. "One fight." she agreed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter depicts some disturbing flashbacks of Akio sexually and emotionally abusing Anthy. The writing does not at all celebrate or condone what's happening, but nevertheless, some readers might find the scenes triggering and/or might wish to avoid them.

Utena stood in her fencing regalia with her sword in her right hand and her mask tucked under her left arm, facing the as yet empty ring where her match would soon begin.

"Remember," said Juri. "This is just a heat. It shouldn't be too difficult, especially given the way we've been training. I'm confident you can win."

"Whether I win or not, I only promised one fight," Utena reminded her.

Something flashed through Juri's eyes, but she chose not to reply to Utena's statement.

"Good luck, Utena-kun!" Miki called, waving cheerfully from the sidelines nearby. Anthy was sitting beside him, and seeing the two of them together was certainly a strange sight that took Utena back to earlier days.

She smiled. "Thanks Miki. Himemiya, are you sure you want to stay? It won't bother me if you don't. A situation like this can't bring up pleasant memories for you."

This was about the fifth time Utena had asked, and Anthy's reply was the same as it had been on every other occasion.

"I'll stay."

Her voice was a little too detached, and Utena read her quickly for signs she might be bored or uncomfortable. Anthy noticed her doing it and rolled her eyes.

"I want to stay," she replied more firmly. Despite her words, Utena could tell she was tense, and she suspected it had nothing to do with Anthy wondering how Utena would fare in the upcoming match.

Lord only knew what memories were plaguing her right now. Was it good or not that Anthy wanted to be here for her, despite that?

"Utena," Juri hissed. "Concentrate on the fight, not your girlfriend. She can take care of herself now, or so you're always telling me. If she says she can handle it, then let her handle it."

"Right."

Even though Utena had only agreed to a single match, Juri had still been training her hard for the last month. She'd pushed Utena mercilessly, insisting she was going to become a proper fencing athlete this time round, freely criticising the lack of discipline with which Utena used to fight and lecturing her repeatedly for how she'd once relied on nothing more than luck and passion to get her through.

No one on her team was going to fight like that, she'd said one day as they sparred and she succeeding in trouncing Utena for the fourth time. Putting up her sword, panting hard, she'd added meaningfully, "and after the duel of Revolution, I think you know the reason why. As the captain, sending my team out with anything less is sending them out to slaughter."

It had been peculiar yet reassuring to hear Jury talk about a university fencing match with the same gravity as the duels of old. That part of her really hadn't changed; her determination to always act nobly, even in the most mundane of real world circumstances.

There was only a small audience surrounding the fencing mats today, not surprising given that this match was such an early heat in the competition. The crowds wouldn't get big until the national finals, when it would be determined who would go on to compete internationally, and even then fencing was a niche sport with a low profile.

None of that made the least bit of difference to Utena. As she waited for her opponent to appear, she found she was buzzing with a kind of excitement she hadn't felt for years, not since the duels, back when she had something to fight for; protecting Himemiya and pursuing her dream of becoming a prince. But now…Why was she feeling that excitement again? What was it she was fighting for today? For herself? For fun? Because it reminded her of what she used to be?

These were all questions a younger Utena may not have considered.

Finally, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd. Utena could see that people were turning their heads, presumably to watch as her opponent approached the ring. Neither she nor Jury knew much about who she'd be fighting, for all that Juri had tried to find out.

All they knew was that her opponent attended a university much more prestigious than Utena's, and had a name that suggested the male gender.

Thus, Utena blinked disbelievingly and did a double take when the shifting crowd parted and she saw the person who approached and subsequently sauntered into the ring.

That arrogant step, that mane of silky red hair, those hungry, too-possessive eyes. There was no mistaking who it was – Touga, her most dangerous opponent in the duels after Akio, as well as her sort-of one time suitor.

He wasn't alone either. He had an accompanying partner with him who halted at the sidelines, even though he was entitled to enter the ring as Jury had done as Utena's second. With his long green hair curling about his vain face, Touga's partner crossed his arms, leaned against a convenient post and observed everything around him with apparently disinterested eyes.

Saionji. The first duellist Utena had fought and from whom she had unwittingly won Anthy, setting off a course of events that would change her life forever.

Utena cast a quick glance towards Juri, briefly angry, intending to ask her if she knew about this; had even set it up. But one look at Juri's face told her that she knew as little as Utena did, and was just as unhappy.

Anthy was on her feet, every line of her stiff with anxiety. When she caught Utena's eye she shook her head slightly, seeming to tell her to get out of there, but no way in Hell was Utena going to do that.

Even if she didn't know what was going on here, she wasn't backing down.

Touga stepped up to Utena with a haughty look and false friendly smile. His eyes said that he remembered her perfectly, but as the referee readied them, his actions were those of a stranger, of someone who was nothing more than her opponent in an unimportant university match.

With the leave of the referee, they pulled on their masks one-handed, bowed to the judges and then each other and crossed their swords.

The referee's whistle blew, and the fight began.

Touga had always been a powerful duellist, and Utena soon found that hadn't changed. He immediately went on the attack, forcing her into defensive mode, which would ultimately make it more difficult for her to win priority for a hit.

That didn't really worry her too much though. She had plenty of experience of Jury coming at her like this, and knew how to turn her defensive moves into counter-attacks that would still ensure she won priority even if they landed a hit at the same time.

What worried Utena infinitely more was that she could see Saionji beginning to slink towards Anthy around the outside of the ring. True, Anthy wasn't alone, and Miki would look after her if need be; more to the point, so would Jury in an emergency, for all that she was none too fond of Anthy.

But his actions meant that Utena was no longer paying attention to her own fight. Too easily she allowed herself to become distracted, wondering if she'd even chosen the correct opponent, because if Saionji had some design on Anthy then that was where Utena needed to be, right now. And that was why she never saw it coming when the point of Touga's sword lodged beneath her safety helmet and he neatly flicked it right off her head.

There was no question of it being an accident. It was most definitely a deliberate move. A completely illegal move.

As her pink hair flew free, Utena heard the referee's whistle blowing madly, but Touga didn't seem to care. He surged towards her, grabbing her hair with his left hand and pulling her tight against him, her back to his front, her left arm ending up trapped between their bodies and twisting in a way that threatened to dislocate her shoulder. Touga's foil was sheathed at his side (where on earth had the sheath even come from?) and with his free right hand he half-crushed Utena's own, forcing her to drop her weapon while she bit back a cry of pain.

"Touga, what the Hell—" Utena gritted out.

Touga kept mercilessly using the advantage of his weight and size against her, forcing her sword arm in close to her chest with the might of his own. The feel of his body behind her reminded Utena inescapably that he was much larger than she was, but right now he also felt like someone else, someone she couldn't place for a few disorientated moments as she tried to remember where she had encountered strength like this before.

The nausea hit as she realised. Akio. Touga stank of Akio's power.

Somewhere she could hear Juri screaming, calling for this to cease.

All Touga did was snicker amusedly in Utena's ear, and then with gut-wrenching speed they were sucked away and everything was gone; the fencing ring and the auditorium and the crowd and Anthy and Juri and Miki and Saionji.

Even though this felt very different to what Utena had been through with Anthy before, she knew it was probably some variation of the same thing, that she and Touga were most likely travelling to some other world. Touga didn't relax his grip in the slightest as they hurtled through a blur of stars, still squeezing her ribs painfully, still pulling her hair back and making it almost impossible for her to breathe.

All she could do was endure it and wait for a chance to get away, knowing the best moment would probably come when they landed. As soon as they jolted to the ground she felt Touga stagger, momentarily off-balance, and taking advantage of the situation she thrust an elbow into his kidney as hard as she could. He grunted in pain and loosened his grip just as she'd hoped, allowing her to slip from his grasp and roll out of reach.

Utena had no idea where they were and she didn't waste too much time in looking as she vaulted to her feet opposite this Touga who smelled dangerously of Akio. Her quick, stingy glances showed her a blasted landscape of jagged cliffs and dead skeleton trees, a bruised purple sky, an arena-like clearing strewn with half-buried boulders that looked like giants might have pummelled them into the earth.

Neither of them were wearing their fencing clothes anymore; both were arrayed as they had been in their duelling days and Utena really didn't like the look in Touga's eye as he surveyed her like that.

"Tenjou," he said softly, speaking to her like they were something more than friends. "This was always how I liked you best. Noble. Pure. A prince who claims her own body, even though I always wished I could convince you to put it to some other use."

"Touga, what the Hell have you done?" Utena demanded, ignoring his disgusting remark. "Take us back!"

Touga smiled. "You already know what I've done. You felt it before. Akio's power."

"How? Akio is dead."

"You and the Rose Bride were not the only ones to visit Ohtori before its demise. I also took a trip back there. I saw Akio impaled upon the swords and we both knew his end was near. Which was why he gave me this. A little memento by which to remember him. A little something to help me along the path to becoming his heir."

Touga raised his right hand, showing Utena the rose signet ring glinting upon his third finger. Akio's ring.

"What do you mean by his heir?" Utena said angrily.

"Well why not?" Touga sneered. "You weren't interested in the position, were you? Akio knew that his world would seek out a prince, and that it would probably be you, and that you'd most likely turn down all that beautiful power for the sake of one tarnished girl. So he named me as his heir instead, and gave me his ring just as Dios once gave the ring of the prince to you."

"So what are we doing here, and where are we? If you're Akio's heir then go be his heir. Leave me out of it!"

"Unfortunately, I can't do that. You still have the sword of the prince inside you, and it will take the combined power of the sword and Akio's ring to remake the fairytale world anew."

A cold wind blew over them, and Utena shivered.

"I am not giving up my sword to you."

Touga smoothed back his ruffled hair. "Of course not. I'd be almost disappointed if you just handed it over. Half the fun is going to be taking it."

He drew the sheathed foil at his side, which was no longer a foil at all, but very obviously his heart sword, lethal and shining in his hand.

Utena's eyes widened. "How?"

"Dear Saionji obliged," said Touga. "It looked like an ordinary foil in the world we left behind, but here it is able to take on its true form."

"And how is you wielding that supposed to frighten me?" Utena said as she and Touga began to circle each other warily. "You can't get my sword from me if I'm dead."

"This sword will allow me to transmit the memories embedded in Akio's ring. Very special memories that Akio wanted me to share with you in this place, at the foot of the Mountains of Despair. He often brought some of his more difficult conquests to this little world." Touga gave her a far too knowing look. "Believe me, Utena. You were lucky you got the amusement park. He really cared about you to treat you so gently."

"Shut up!" Utena screamed. "God, just shut up." She was sweating badly, her control unravelling before the fight had even properly begun. Juri would probably be furious with her for letting Touga get to her so easily. She tried to remember Juri's training, tried to calm herself, but the truth was, Utena had always been impulsive to a fault, and she'd always fought with her heart and not her head. She wasn't sure she could fight any other way.

Now, as she looked at Touga's arrogant, smiling face, she was so angry she could barely think. How did he even  _know_  about the amusement park? Had Akio told him about it? Discussed with him at length his successful seduction? Mentioned with gloating triumph the blood on the bed?

And what was happening to Anthy back in the other world? Was Saionji attacking her the way Touga was attacking Utena?

"If anything happens to Himemiya while I'm gone…"

Touga's voice was icy. "Trust me Tenjou, you don't have time to be worrying about her. Right now, it's a question of what will happen to  _you_  while  _you're_  gone."

Even though they were still several feet apart, he pointed the sword at her and Utena dodged behind one of the boulders as a beam of energy shot towards her. The rock was blasted apart by the impact, and Utena quickly rolled away as another blast followed hard on the heels of the first. She needed to get out of here and hide until she could figure out what to do, maybe find a way back to her world, but the mountains ringed them on all sides, their slopes sheer and impassable.

Utena decided to try climbing anyway; at least if she could get some height she'd be in a more defensible position, and there might be a cave or something up there to shelter her from Touga's blasts.

She picked what looked like the least difficult mountain and began a scrambling assent, making it about eight feet up before both her handholds gave way and crumbled beneath her desperately grasping fingers.

Touga laughed as she fell. Utena hadn't gotten high enough to be in danger of serious injury, but the fall was bad enough to knock the breath out of her, leaving her helpless as Touga made his sinuous way to her side, silent and dangerous as a jungle cat.

"No one can scale the Mountains of Despair, Utena. No one can ever find their way out of this pit of misery." He bared his teeth in what was more of a grimace than a grin and pointed his sword right at her heart, bringing it closer until she could feel its sharp point jabbing into her breast.

"And now," he whispered. "Let me show you what Akio wanted you to see."

The flash was so blinding Utena had to close her eyes, still struggling to regain her breath as she heard Akio's voice in her head.

_For once in your life, my princess, let me show you what it means to be powerful. Feel what it's like to be me. Feel what I did to Anthy on all those nights when you so innocently slept. Farewell, Utena, and let me leave you with this parting gift. The only strength I have._

* * *

_"So Anthy, what do you think of this new victor? A girl this time. That hasn't happened for quite a while."_

_Utena looked at her hand, which was not her own hand but Akio's, stroking her fingers through the tangled mass of Anthy's hair. She could feel Anthy's naked body against her, spent and sated, could recall with horrible clarity the activities that had led to her being thus; felt Akio's tremble of pleasure inside herself as he remembered pinning Anthy to the couch and taking her._

_"She's naive," whispered Anthy, her face more than half-hidden behind her hair. "She'll be easy to control."_

_Utena as Akio laughed. "Are you upset that she turned you down? That she's immune to your charms? She'll still very young after all. Perhaps we will have to see what we can do about that. Teach her the ways of the world so she'll be suitable for the game. Will you help me, Anthy?"_

_"Of course, Brother."_

* * *

_Utena felt herself shaking with Akio's fury as she looked down at Anthy, noting the stiffness of her shoulders, the unhappy set of her jaw, the arms clasped protectively in front of her._

_"I think you're coming to care for this victor just a little too much, Anthy."_

_Experiencing everything as Akio, Utena saw his hands reach out and grab Anthy, felt his excitement rising as he shoved her to her knees and roughly dragged her head forwards. Anthy didn't refuse him. She never did. He groaned as pleasure filled him, and with a sick pain in her soul Utena felt it as her own._

_"You want her, don't you," Akio whispered, voice hoarse, and Utena had the strange sensation of feeling the rumble of his words in her own chest. "I can tell, Anthy. I can always tell. You want her to be sweet and gentle as she touches you. Tender as she presses her body to yours and slides her fingers deep inside you. You want her to help you forget about all of this, you and I and the things we do. You want to pretend her hands can wipe away all the dirt."_

_Akio moaned as he came, panting and looking down at what Anthy was doing, and God, Utena didn't want to be seeing this, didn't want to be feeling him getting off on hurting her. Anthy looked back up at him without even a blush on her cheeks, her face carefully blank as she drew back and wiped her mouth once it was over. Only Akio knew her well enough to see the rebellion hidden in her eyes. Rebellion he would never allow._

_"You forget what you are, Anthy. You could never be clean enough for her. If she knew the truth of you, what would she do then?"_

_He laughed as he saw the hopelessness Anthy tried to hide from him. "It can only be you and I. I am the only one who will love you, as filthy and broken as you are. You know that."_

Finally it came to an end. Utena was herself again, still lying in the dust with bitter tears streaming from her eyes and bile rising in her throat. She curled herself tightly into a ball around the hard knot of pain in her stomach, trying to stop the sobs that wanted to erupt from deep within her, not wanting Touga to see. She'd thought she'd understood Anthy, she really had, but Utena had no idea –  _no idea_ – of what Akio had put her through, of the depths to which his depravity had run. It was like having her soul ripped in two to see Anthy being hurt like that, over and over; but it was worse to feel Akio getting off on it; to watch his hands violating Anthy as if they were her own.

No doubt that had been part of Akio's plan. To force himself on Utena's mind the way he had forced himself on Anthy's body, to try and taint every experience she had with Anthy forevermore.

Touga was staring down at her with a look of triumph on his face, and Utena wondered if Akio had told him exactly what memories he was going to give her. Probably. Maybe he'd shared them with Touga as well. Maybe he'd even shared his memories of Utena with Touga. Maybe that was why Touga knew all about the amusement park and what had happened in the hotel nearby.

Without even the strength to stand, she slanted one bright blue eye up at him defiantly. "All you're doing," she gasped, "Is strengthening my resolve not to give you  _anything_."

"You fool, Tenjou. You never know when to give up."

Utena grinned. "You're right, I don't."

She'd barely finished the sentence before the next memory hit her.

_"The more time I spend with your sweet innocent girl prince, the more I understand why you cannot help but be drawn to her, Anthy."_

_Anthy was spread out beneath Akio on the wide white couch, beautiful and fragile as a china doll he could break any time he pleased. Utena could feel that part of Akio wanted to break her, just to hear her cry, but after wavering, he kept his caresses slow and gentle, just to remind Anthy that he could be like this when he chose, when she pleased him._

_Utena glanced up into Anthy's guarded green eyes, knowing she was seeing what Akio had._

_"You're afraid for her. You should be. You know it's the one thing you cannot do. Fall in love with anyone other than me."_

_He paused thoughtfully, stroking his fingers over Anthy's perfect flesh._

_"But I understand why you want her so. She is…Magnificent. I think even I might come to prefer her to you. Her purity is unsurpassed. It makes me want to possess her, destroy her. Just to prove to you she's a princess, not the prince you've been searching for. But maybe, just maybe, she is the one_ I've  _been searching for. A princess worthy of dwelling with me forever in the Castle of Eternity._

_"You know what that would mean, don't you Anthy? Utena and I would be living together in a fairytale of bliss, and you'd be paying for it with the swords, because someone as dirty as you could never be worthy of such happiness."_

_His hand drifted lower, seeking between legs that opened to him willingly._

_"But maybe I'll tire of her if I realise she's just another barefoot girl. Well Anthy, what do you say? Shall we sully Utena together? Will you help me ruin the person you love? Will you help me take her even though you want her for yourself?"_

_Looking into Anthy's eyes, Utena as Akio saw everything there that he hoped. Not the concern she'd had before, not the burgeoning love that enraged him, but Anthy's jealousy of Utena, her despair that Akio wanted Utena in a way he could never want Anthy again, her hatred, her desire to destroy._

_Anthy reached up and drew Akio into a searing kiss. "I'll help you, brother," she whispered._

This time, Utena did vomit, her body needing some physical release from the horror and disgust saturating every nerve she possessed. So many awful nights of pain Anthy had endured, all while Utena slept. All while she dreamed her stupid, sweet fantasies of Akio being her prince.

Anthy had loved her, and for daring to do that she'd been tormented into hating her and betraying her, all the while fearing Utena would take from her the one thing she still possessed. All the while thinking Utena would never want her if she knew the truth.

"Himemiya," she murmured brokenly, tears shining like diamonds in her eyes. There was a familiar grinding sensation in her chest and suddenly Touga's hand was there, trying to draw the sword out of her.

She suppressed her scream at the cutting pain and pushed him away, staggering to her feet with the sword half protruding from her chest. She grasped the hilt and pulled it the rest of the way out herself, feeling sweat dripping down her face, her back, her chest. Tossing her head to flick away the wet tangles of hair clinging to her cheeks, she raised her sword and pointed it grimly at Touga.

"You still won't relinquish your sword?" Touga asked in a smooth, honeyed voice. He was doing his best to appear calm, but Utena had seen the shock in his eyes when she'd shown herself capable to controlling her sword. Clearly he hadn't expected that to happen, hadn't expected she'd have the strength to wield her own sword at all.

"I told you I wouldn't."

"Even though the sword responded to me? To the echo of Akio's power? He was always stronger than you, Utena. Even your heart sword knows it."

Utena gave a bark of laughter. "You idiot, Touga. It was my thoughts of Himemiya that drew the sword out. Nothing to do with you or Akio."

She could see the anger in Touga's eyes, so much like the anger in Akio's. Furiously, she went at him, her sword bright with a power all her own. She was so sick of this. Sick of doubting herself. Of punishing herself for mistakes she'd made. Of punishing herself for failing Himemiya. Sick of doubting whether she and Himemiya should be together.

Sparks flew around them as their swords clashed, Touga barely finding time to clumsily parry Utena's thrusts as she lunged at him, over and over.

Utena wasn't a princess and she hadn't quite become a prince but she was herself and that was enough. It had been enough for Himemiya all along. It had been enough to save her.

"If Akio was so powerful," Utena bit out as they fought, "Why was it only my heart that could reach Himemiya? Why didn't I listen to Akio when he told me I couldn't open the Rose Gate? Why is it that he's dead and I'm alive and all he can do is send his  _lackey_  to try and finish the job he was too weak to do himself?"

With a two-handed swing, she sheared Touga's heart sword in half. He cried out in agony and dropped the sword's broken hilt, his hand flung wide by the force of her blow. Seeing the exposed underside of his fingers, Utena pushed the tip of her sword along his ring finger, so precise she didn't even draw blood. But the swift movement of her sword did succeed in dislodging the ring as she'd intended and both she and Touga watched it spiral through the air in a beautiful, glittering arc. Touga made a desperate grab for it but Utena shoved him aside, smashing into the airborne ring with her sword and shattering it into a million pieces.

She heard a wretched scream of defeat which sounded strangely like Touga's and Akio's voices mixed together, and then Touga dropped to his knees, his hands clutching at his chest as the pain of his broken heart sword wracked his body.

"You…Win, Tenjou," he managed to gasp. He collapsed and leaned back against a convenient boulder with a groan, panting for some moments with his head bent before looking up at her. "I surrender."

Cautiously, Utena put up her sword, still watching for further tricks. "Touga, Akio at the height of his power couldn't defeat me. What chance did you think you had?"

"I thought perhaps you'd changed," Touga said weakly. "That the real world had dulled your fire. But I can see now I was wrong. Your heart sword shines with such passion and nobility it's almost painful to behold. Its radiance tells me that my chances of winning you are as remote as they ever were."

Utena snorted. "You're still going on about that  _now_? After what you just did?"

Touga's voice was wistful. "I was never good enough to win you by fair means. I knew that all along. That's why I always resorted to Akio's ways. Because having you in a way that was wrong was better than not having you at all."

"Hrmph. Whatever. We've fought and you've failed, so just take us home and get us the Hell out of here."

"Ah yes." Touga wheezed in a way that was eerily similar to dying-Akio. "There's a slight problem with that. All the magic I had was in Akio's ring. Which you just destroyed. I'm afraid you and I are stuck here forever, Tenjou." He gave her a watery grin. "Doesn't that sound fun?"


	7. Chapter 7

"Where did he take her? Where the Hell did he take her?"

Anthy was almost screaming at Saionji, her face a mask of fury. If she'd ever felt anger like this before, it was so long ago she couldn't remember. The power of the emotion coursing through her was electrifying and terrifying all at once, but feeling the anger was better than feeling the fear that she knew was lurking somewhere deep down underneath her rage, hiding like a monster beneath a trap-door.

She was holding Utena's dropped foil in a steady, businesslike grasp, its tip pointed at Saionji's heart. Only the foil was no longer a modern fencing foil; it had changed into a deadly sharp rapier blade as soon as Anthy had picked it up, responding to her need as anything of Utena's always would.

Saionji only smirked at her and Anthy had to seriously fight down a sudden urge to kill him. It wasn't that she had any concern for his life; she'd quite happily have wiped him from the face of the Earth with no regrets. But she needed him alive if she was going to find out where Utena and Touga had gone.

The rest of the stadium was empty except for Anthy, Saionji, Juri and Miki. The audience and the judges and the referee had all fled when the strangeness began. People were tiresome like that throughout countless dimensions.

Juri and Miki reached Anthy at that moment, hurrying over from the other side of the ring. As soon as Utena had disappeared, Anthy had beaten them to Saionji's side, knowing he was their only likely lead. Taking in Anthy's stance and her hold on the sword, Juri said approvingly, "Not bad, Himemiya. Perhaps I should ask if  _you_  want to join the fencing team too."

"No thank you," said Anthy calmly. "Not really my thing. But…" Her gaze hardened into ice as she looked into Saionji's defiant eyes. "Tell me where they've gone right now or I will use this sword to inflict more pain than you can imagine."

"I'll hold him down for you," Juri volunteered.

"Juri, I think that's going a bit far," Miki said worriedly.

"I think it's just far enough." Juri disagreed. "What the Hell even happened? How did Touga worm his way into playing this match? Why did he disappear with Utena?"

"Whatever Touga did, that was Akio's power," Anthy revealed.

Juri and Miki made twin noises of shock while Saionji grinned.

"It was just a little parting gift your brother gave to Touga before he died."

"That bastard," said Anthy. "I should have known."

"You really should have," Saionji agreed. "You've forgotten how the world works, Anthy."

The point of Anthy's sword flicked across his face. He screamed, and a trickle of blood marred his cheek.

"Tell me where they've gone right now," Anthy said. "Or I'll ruin your beautiful face forever. You'll break long before I'm ready to kill you, believe me, but this way there'll be no undoing the damage. You'll carry it forever."

Anthy knew Saionji. She knew his vanity was so great any threat to his looks would frighten him even more than the prospect of death. But either he was extremely loyal to Touga or even more afraid of him than he was of losing his beauty, for he remained stubbornly silent. In punishment Anthy slashed the point of the sword down his face from forehead to jaw, right over the centre of his left eye. A little more pressure and she'd have put the eye right out of its socket.

Miki winced. Juri crossed her arms. "Impressive control," she murmured. "Are you  _sure_  you don't want to join the fencing team?"

Anthy smiled. "Like I said, it's really Utena's thing. I'd rather put my energy towards helping the creatures that others abandon and look down upon. But right now, doing this is necessary."

Juri gave a disappointed sigh and muttered something about the heretical logic of choosing injured bunny rabbits over swords.

"Saionji? Are you ready to talk?"

"Anthy, how could you?" Saionji whined, dabbing at the blood on his face. "We used to be friends!" He cringed as she raised the sword again.

"We were never friends, Saionji- _sama_." Anthy put a world of venom into the honorific Saionji had once ordered her to use. She pointed the sword at the space between his spread-eagled legs, her voice soft and dangerous. "And perhaps just for saying that, my next stroke should aim lower?"

As she'd hoped, that was enough to break him.

"Alright, alright. I'll talk! But I don't know where they've gone. Honestly I don't." Saionji looked up at Anthy fearfully, and seeing her pitiless expression, slid his eyes desperately towards Juri and Miki, seeking quarter with them but still finding none.

"All I know is that Touga has Akio's ring and that it will take them to a place where Utena is meant to despair. He needs her to give up her heart sword so that he can use its power combined with Akio's ring to make a new magical world. He promised that if I helped him, he'd take me there with him. That I could be princely and important there, the way I used to be in Ohtori. The way I never am here in this stupid world."

"Princely and important? You were never that in Ohtori. You were the same there as you are here – a cowardly bully filled with your own insecurities. You're disgusting."

Having gotten what she needed, Anthy turned away from Saionji dismissively. His shoulders slumped in relief, though his eyes darkened in resentment at Anthy's words. Once he would have struck her for daring to speak to him like that, but now he only glowered silently. This harridan was certainly not the Rose Bride he remembered.

"So," Juri said to Anthy. "Do you know where they've gone?"

"Yes, I know," Anthy confirmed.

"Can you get there?"

"Of course. Chu-Chu!"

The little marmoset popped questioningly out of Anthy's pocket. She picked him up and held him before her on the open palm of her hands.

"Chu-Chu, before we go, there's something I need you to do…"

* * *

With their backs against their respective boulders, Utena and Touga sat eyeing each other from opposite sides of the blasted arena.

Touga had recovered a measure of his debonairness even though he was still deathly pale and shiny with sweat. He waggled his eyebrows at Utena suggestively, eyes gleaming. "Can't you take pity on me, Tenjou? Even now? You've shattered my heart. My end is almost here. The least you could do is kiss my lips as I'm dying."

Utena snickered. "Losing your heart sword won't kill you, and if you want to whinge to someone, save it for your boyfriend when we get back. I don't want to hear it."

"Weren't you listening before? We're not going back. There's no magic left."

"Himemiya will find me," said Utena confidently. "She always finds me."

"That's not really something a normal girl could do, though, is it?" Touga looked at Utena slyly, as if this was something she wouldn't have been able to work out for herself.

"So what?"

"Didn't you want Himemiya to be a normal girl, all this time?"

"What I want is for Himemiya to be herself. I doubt that's something you could even understand, Touga. Besides—" Utena waved a hand around. "Me being here isn't exactly normal either, is it?"

"Tenjou. She's not coming. This is the landscape of despair. No one can reach this place willingly, and once here, no one can escape."

"Akio clearly could, so why not Himemiya?"

"She never had any power of her own. It was all a reflection of his."

"Ha. Shows how much you know."

Touga's voice sank to a low, seductive husk. "Tenjou, whether you want to admit it or not, it's just you and I, for all eternity. That's the only reason I did this in the first place. Because even if I lost, I'd still win. I'd still get to have you."

"You're delusional."

"And how long will it be, before you can't endure the loneliness? When night falls, the dreams of this place are terrible. You won't be able to bear them. You'll come running to my arms for respite."

"Like I said – you're delusional."

Utena leaned back against her rock and waited, keeping a wary eye on Touga and still holding her sword in a loose grip.

Only a few more minutes passed before she felt the disturbance in the air. She looked towards the sullen sky expectantly and saw Anthy descending with Chu-Chu on her shoulder, her purple hair flying in the wind and her eyes blazing.

Like Utena's and Touga's, her garments too had changed, but not into anything Utena had seen before. With some amazement she pushed herself to her feet as Anthy landed neatly, taking in the emerald green dress with a tight waist and long flared sleeves, the wide overskirt slit at the front with black tights beneath that came to just below Anthy's knees.

But what most arrested Utena's attention was the pure, shining sword she held in her hand. There was absolutely no mistaking what it was.

Catching sight of Utena, Anthy ran to her with a relieved cry and flung herself into Utena's arms. It was a somewhat lopsided embrace with both of them still holding their swords, not that it really mattered or made it any less warm.

"Utena," Anthy whispered, her face still buried somewhere in the region of Utena's neck, "I'm so glad you're okay. When I felt Akio's power, I thought…"

A tremor passed through her and she trailed off, holding Utena closer instead of finishing.

"I'm fine, Himemiya," Utena replied reassuringly, her free hand stroking the small of Anthy's back. "Akio wasn't a match for me when he was alive, let alone now he's dead."

She drew back enough to meet Anthy's eyes, glancing towards the sword before asking, "Is that your heart sword?"

Anthy blushed and smiled at her almost shyly. "Yes. I finally have my own, after all this time."

"It's beautiful. You look…Beautiful."

Pride brimmed over in Anthy's expression, mingling with her relief and the soft love shining brightly in her eyes. "Thank you."

"But who helped you to draw the sword out?"

"Chu-Chu, of course."

"Chu-Chu?"

"Who else would, Utena? Except perhaps for you."

"Yeah. I guess that's true. Did you come here intending to fight for me?" The very thought of Anthy being willing to fight for her reached into Utena and touched her somewhere deep in her soul. It was a feeling almost arousing in its intensity, like looking at Anthy's heart sword and knowing it meant she truly had regained herself, and was still choosing Utena, from all the choices she had.

"If you needed it," said Anthy, her jaw set firmly.

Akio had been wrong about Anthy, Utena reflected. So wrong. She wasn't a fragile doll easily broken by another's whim. She was strong. Far stronger than Akio ever could have imagined.

Utena ran her finger along Anthy's jaw, fascinated by this newly discovered side to her, feeling the muscles loosen beneath her touch and then tighten again for an entirely different reason. The response brought a mischievous smile to her lips. "Well, even if I beat him, Touga's failsafe plan was that he and I would be stuck here together for all eternity, but I explained to him his error there. I knew you'd find me and take me back to the real world. You know the way, right?"

Anthy nodded. "I do."

"Of course you do," said Utena softly, thinking of all the awful memories she'd seen. "If anyone knows how to find their way out of the land of despair, it's you."

Touga coughed in a way obviously meant to interrupt. "Well then, if you ladies are done being all gooey with each other, do you think we might be leaving anytime soon? The shadows are starting to lengthen, and staying at this place past nightfall is something I'd really rather avoid, if at all possible."

"You deserve to stay here and be eaten by despair," Anthy hissed, her sword suddenly pointed in his direction.

"Himemiya," Utena chided gently. "We can't just leave him here. I broke his heart sword. Don't you think that's punishment enough?"

Reluctantly, Anthy lowered her sword. Glancing back to Utena, she said, "It's your victory. You have the right to decide what happens to him. But he is right. We should be getting out of here."

"Touga." Utena jerked her head sharply, indicating that Touga should join them.

He didn't need to be told twice. Painfully levering himself to his feet with the help of the boulder he'd been leaning against, he limped over to Utena and Anthy. He seemed to know better than to push his luck by saying anything else, even thank you. Really he was a rather pitiful sight; another of Akio's victims who had never learned a better way.

Once they were all together, the three of them whirled away from the blasted landscape with a speed that made Utena dizzy and seemingly within moments they were back in the fencing ring. Both her own sword and Anthy's vanished as they landed, returning inside their hearts where they belonged in this world.

Seeing Saionji's bloodied face, Touga said without sympathy, "What happened to you?"

Saionji shot Anthy a fearful glance. "Nothing. Let's go. This was a fucking disaster. I told you it would be."

Touga smiled and gave Utena an elaborate bow. "Until we meet again; my fair prince." Bowing with less flair to Anthy, though with no less respect, he added, "And to you, the beautiful enchantress…Well done. It was an honour to be beaten by such worthy opponents."

"Enchantress?" Utena asked as Touga and Saionji walked away, still bickering with one another. "Is that what your appearance signified when you arrived at that place?"

"Perhaps," said Anthy. "Would you mind…If that was the case?"

"Not at all." Utena brushed Anthy's cheek. "I told you before you looked beautiful. And…Powerful." Her voice quivered a little and Anthy's eyes widened in surprise. Whether because of what Utena said or how she said it there wasn't quite time to determine.

"Utena!" Juri strode over. "Sorry. This has been a complete mess. I take full responsibility. I should have looked into your opponent more carefully and realised it was all a ruse. Realised Touga had entered under a false name just to set all this up."

"Don't worry about it, Juri. It's fine."

Juri studied her more carefully. "It  _is_  fine, isn't it? You're not the least bit upset."

"Let's just say…Akio's stupid stunt inadvertently allowed me to answer the question that had been bothering me for a very long time."

"Well, I'll get to work somehow explaining this debacle and see if we can get you into another heat. Unless you've decided that you're done with fencing forever now."

Utena grinned, eyes sparkling. "Just the opposite. I'm going to keep fencing, and our team is going to win the international championship of the Universiade. After that – who knows? If I can conquer Akio's memory in the land of despair, I can do anything I think."

And in due course they did win the Universiade. It wasn't the Olympics by a long way, but it was a start, and that was enough.


	8. Chapter 8

The next Sunday, just a week after the fight with Touga, Utena and Anthy drove out of their small and humble town into the forested foothills of the high mountains where they had visited Wakaba before Christmas.

They hadn't had much opportunity to come here over the winter, but by now it was late March and spring was starting to unfurl in a profusion of delicate buds and new green shoots. The sky was in a changeable mood, sometimes clear, sometimes clouding over and throwing down fistfuls of rain.

Anthy was leading the way along the walking trail today, as she often did on their nature jaunts. Her hair almost matched the purple of her rain jacket; a bright beacon easier to follow than Utena's standard black waterproof layer. Chu-Chu scampered along beside them, chattering happily as he chased after bugs and stuffed anything vaguely edible into his mouth.

Pausing for a moment and seeming to scent the air, Anthy looked back at Utena. "We should leave the trail here."

"Okay," Utena agreed easily. She knew from experience Anthy seemed to have no trouble finding her way through trackless wildernesses, and since they hadn't yet fallen off a cliff or gotten lost and died of starvation, she wasn't particularly worried by Anthy's suggestion.

With a smile, Anthy took Utena's hand and tugged her off the trail, into the sweet-smelling shadows of the dense, towering fir trees. As she followed, Utena thought she caught a glimpse of Anthy in that other form; wearing the green dress of an enchantress.

Apparently they were gathering mushrooms today. Within a couple of hours, Utena probably saw more different varieties than she had ever seen in her life, most of which she didn't even recognise, many of which she never would have guessed were edible.

Eventually they emerged into a sheltered dell carpeted in wildflowers and surrounded by tall, twisting trees still mostly bare from winter. At least six or seven different kinds of mushrooms that Utena could distinguish were clinging to the edges of the dell, mostly hiding in the soft earth at the foot of the trees or spreading out in the spaces between. Handing Utena a small, sharp knife, Anthy said, "why don't you help?"

"I have no idea which ones are safe. I know you've told me before, but…My memory is kind of useless for stuff like this."

"Chu-Chu will show you which ones to pick."

Bounding up to Utena, Chu-Chu nodded enthusiastically and puffed himself up with importance.

Utena smiled. "All right. But don't blame me if we get poisoned."

She began to harvest mushrooms according to Chu-Chu's directives, but she was more intent on paying attention to Anthy than the task at hand. They still hadn't really talked about what had happened in the battle with Touga, or, to be more precise, Utena had obfuscated when Anthy had asked, and Anthy hadn't pushed her.

Anthy hadn't acted like she noticed anything amiss this past week, but Utena knew she could hardly have failed to be aware of the sudden absence of their physical relationship. Not even once had Utena touched Anthy, or responded when Anthy touched her.

Before she could, Utena knew she had to tell Anthy about what Akio had shown her, but how –  _how_  – was she supposed to talk about that? What was she supposed to say? Uncomfortably, she was reminded of what Anthy had said to her, all those months ago.  _I'm not good at talking about some things. I don't have the words_.

"Utena." Anthy paused in her own mushroom-gathering to glance up at Utena, her hair tumbling over her shoulders in that unruly way it had. "I'm here if you want to talk about it."

"A-about what?"

Anthy gave her a small, sympathetic smile. "About whatever really happened in that fight with Touga."

"You knew I was thinking about it just now?"

"You've been thinking about it all week," said Anthy softly, going back to her mushroom picking.

"I'm sorry, Himemiya, I—"

"No, don't apologise. I understand that some things…can't be spoken of easily. I don't mind if you don't want to tell me. But I'm here if you need me."

"It's not that I don't want to tell you," said Utena in frustration. "It's just that I don't know  _how_." She gave up the pretence of picking mushrooms altogether and moved to perch on a lichen-covered log, which was also sprouting some species of fungus along half its length.

"Don't pick those," Anthy said, noticing Utena's fingers straying absent-mindedly towards the flat, pinkish mushrooms. "They're poisonous."

"Right."

"Utena…" Anthy's voice was hushed. "I know what happens, in that place where you went."

Utena followed the sure movements of Anthy's hands as she continued to neatly harvest mushrooms with her knife, somehow finding the distraction comforting.

"Akio used to take those there who were too strong, too uncooperative, and he'd show them horrible things over and over again until they broke. And the worst of it was, everything he showed to them was always true. That's why it usually worked. So I know you must have seen something terrible beyond words, but… _Try_ , Utena. I'll understand."

She stopped again and looked at Utena, her green eyes filled with compassion and the anguish of too much knowledge.

In one way, Utena didn't want to speak of anything so ugly in a place as beautiful as this. In another way, the beauty was reassuring, its constant presence reminding her that the Hell she'd seen in Akio's mind was not the only reality, and that Anthy didn't have to live there anymore, because she was here, with Utena, in this new world they were creating together.

Anthy's patience, her earnest reassurance, made the knotted strands of Utena's heartache ease just a little, enough that for the first time in a week she actually felt like she could breathe. She found she could even keep looking at Anthy as she spoke, believing that she would understand, that she wouldn't be afraid of the dark shadows that crept into Utena's normally bright eyes as she finally dug out the words.

"Touga had Akio's rose crest signet ring. It had been enchanted with some of Akio's memories and Touga…Forced them on me. I guess that's the correct way of putting it. I think it was supposed to make me despair and give up my heart sword."

"And what did you see?" asked Anthy quietly. She hid it well, but not well enough. Every line of her was tense with apprehension.

Utena released a grief-ridden sigh. "Memories of Akio hurting you, over and over again. Only, I didn't just see what he was doing, I felt it. I experienced everything as if I was him. His thoughts, his desires, his never-ending pleasure in causing you pain."

"Oh, Utena." Closing her eyes, Anthy whispered, almost to herself, "Of course. Of course that's what he shared with you."

"But that's not the reason why I haven't wanted to…be with you. As horrible as Akio's memories were, I know none of that is me. I know that isn't what I feel for you. I'm not confused about that. But I do owe you an apology."

Anthy's eyes shot open in confusion. "What for?"

"For not realising that I didn't understand. For making this thing with Akio about me when all that time you had nothing, Himemiya, not even yourself, and you were still fighting him. Yours is the true victory here. What I went through doesn't even compare."

"I don't think it should be about comparing who got the worst of it. He hurt both of us in the same way, Utena, and then made sure we turned against each other. He was very, very good at doing that." Lowering her head, Anthy distractedly sliced off a few more mushrooms. "Besides…I can't lie. Before you came along, I'd stopped fighting. I'd stopped believing anything could change. It was because of you that I started to wake up."

"And then he made you believe that I'd never love you," whispered Utena, "and convinced you to betray me instead."

"Yes." Anthy's chest heaved with her shuddering breaths. "That place you went to, Akio took me there…Many times. Too many to remember. But the last time, that was what he showed me. He showed me that I'd never have you."

Her face was raw with guilt and pain, and unable to witness it any longer, Utena moved to kneel beside Anthy on the cool, damp earth and embraced her gently. "So the visions weren't always true, were they? He was wrong about that."

Voice muffled, Anthy replied, "It was probably true at the time though. For many reasons. Mostly because of things I myself had done."

For a few moments, Utena stroked Anthy's hair, trying to order her thoughts. When she was ready, she said, "I can think of several reasons why Akio wanted to share those visions with me. To try and convince me his perversions were my own. To make me feel like I'd failed you for not realising what was going on and protecting you. To make me turn away from you because of what he saw as your brokenness, your weakness. But everything backfired. I saw what he did to you, Himemiya. And I saw your strength in resisting him. I saw the feelings you had for me. Even though I didn't understand and made so many mistakes, I was still helping you back then. I wasn't just another burden for you to carry."

"No, of course you weren't Utena." Incredulous, Anthy looked at her. "Even back then I wanted to be with you, more and more as time passed."

Gifting her with soft smile of thanks and a warm hand squeeze, Utena continued. "Everything I saw of you just made me more determined not to give up. Because how could I stop fighting when you'd fought him all along under far worse circumstances? When it was your love for me that first made you want to fight? And then you came and rescued me with your heart sword. Seeing you like that was amazing, especially when I'd just experienced the Hell he'd put you through. It – it made me want you," Utena admitted. "In a way Akio would never understand."

She touched her free hand to Anthy's chest and felt her heart racing. "I don't ever want you to lose this again," she said fiercely, looking into bright eyes filled with desire as powerful as her own.

"I won't," Anthy promised, covering Utena's hand with hers.

Knowing this was right with every fibre of her being, Utena drew Anthy down into the fragrant bed of wildflowers and kissed her, breathing in her cinnamon scent, her sunlit hair, her strength. Anthy arched up into her, tangling them together in a way that made Utena gasp, and her soft throaty laughter as she did it sent threads of joy spiralling through Utena's soul. They undressed each other slowly, whispers and caresses and lingering lips building towards an unhurried crescendo, and as she felt Anthy touch her; felt Anthy tremble at her touch in return, Utena decided Anthy had been right. There was magic in the real world too, everywhere around them. She'd just had to learn anew how to see it.


	9. Extra: Anthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This piece is set early on during Utena and Anthy's 'dating' phase, before they get together at Utena's apartment. It mostly just covers Anthy's thoughts and feelings about being with Utena again, and the changes in her life. I couldn't quite find a way to work it into the main body of the story, but I thought it would make a nice little Extra to go along with it.

Back when Anthy and Utena used to live together at Ohtori, Anthy had discovered that despite Utena's seemingly boundless energy, or perhaps because of it, she possessed a remarkable ability to fall asleep almost anywhere at a moment's notice. At lunchtime, over her homework, more than once in Anthy's lap. Anthy knew she'd spent days sometimes as the Rose Bride literally asleep on her feet, but when she looked back, she was surprised by how many wakeful memories she seemed to have of just watching Utena sleep.

As Anthy soon found out, this was a trait that had accompanied Utena's personality into the real world. Most usually it happened when they went to the beach or the park, and unbeknownst to Utena, Anthy had started suggesting these destinations more frequently for their outings partially so she could once again indulge in her peculiar hobby.

On blustery days or fine golden afternoons they would curl up together in sheltered spots or in fine, sunny clearings, sometimes with a light blanket if there was a chill in the air, and Anthy would have a book that she'd read, or at least pretend to, until inevitably Utena dropped off to sleep and Anthy could turn to her and study her unawares, without interruption.

She'd notice the things about Utena that had changed, and all the things that hadn't; her sweetness, her passion, her determination. The light of her heart shining in her breast. Even the swords hadn't been able to take her away from herself, and every day her eyes grew a little brighter and her distrust of Anthy grew a little less. Watching the dreams skimming lightly across Utena's face, Anthy dreamed dreams of her own of that as yet unrealised day when Utena would finally kiss her.

How had Anthy even come to love her so much? At first it had been because Utena reminded her of Dios, but then it had morphed into something else and become simply that Utena…reminded her of Utena. And it was because Utena was Utena that she had been able to save her. By that point, whether she was a prince or not was totally irrelevant.

Utena understood because the world whispered the same lies to her that it did to Anthy, and she'd taught Anthy that she didn't have to listen. That she could escape from the swords bent on destroying her.

None of that had really been clear to Anthy at the time, but she'd had years to untangle it all in her head since then. To begin to understand herself and what she wanted. To get to know herself again, after forgetting for an eternity that she even had a self to know.

She was still adjusting to how different things were here, to how different she was herself was becoming. The strength of her own opinions shocked her. The depths of her longings and desires caught her unawares. The conviction with which she could fight when something really mattered to her was astounding beyond measure. Even little things like where to live mattered. Big things sometimes mattered so much they hurt.

And what Anthy had done to Utena hurt most of all. She hated herself for delivering Utena up to Akio, knowing what he was going to do; hated Akio for taking Utena's first time from her and making it so ugly. Hated both Akio and herself for every moment of what came after in the duel of Revolution.

No one but Utena would have even given her a second chance, and Anthy wasn't really sure she deserved one for all she was determined to have it. She didn't say that to Utena, didn't dwell on her guilt because it wasn't her guilt that had driven her to find Utena. But she did think of it at times like these when she watched Utena sleep and didn't have to worry about the fact that she couldn't hide things from Utena in her eyes anymore.

Anthy wanted so much to touch her. Experience with her an exploration of joy and pleasure that would almost border on being innocent again; that would be the first time in all her many lives when she had chosen her lover for herself, that would be what Utena should have had instead of fear and pain.

She told herself to be patient, and goodness knew she had enough practice at it, but sometimes Anthy couldn't help wishing, fiercely, for the time to come when she and Utena could be together. And that was new too, for Anthy had never had anything to look forward to before. Previously, her life was just a circle of pain that began and ended with the swords, with Akio telling her she wanted it.

It had been like that forever, until the first time she felt the touch of Utena's hand, her bruised and bloodied fingers reaching for her own. She'd been so warm, so alive, looking down at her from the arena with the heat of her tears falling onto Anthy's frozen cheeks and thawing her long lost heart. Her eyes full of happiness and pain and grief as she whispered,  _at last we meet_.

And then they'd lost each other and Anthy had fallen and it had taken her years to find Utena again. She told herself she could afford to be patient a little longer now that Utena was actually here, no longer just a dream or a memory spurring her to search. The glow of anticipation, the desire that curled in her belly, it had its own sweetness with the knowledge that one day soon the waiting would end, that Utena would reach for her and Anthy could finally reach back. That they'd wrenched their happily ever after from Ohtori's corruption and brought it with them to another world.

Anthy laced her fingers with Utena's and held on tightly, swearing silently that she'd never let go again, no matter what.

Utena awakened at her touch and smiled. "Sorry, did I fall asleep again?" she asked with a languorous stretch, looking at their intertwined fingers but not moving her hand away.

"For a little while," said Anthy softly. "But you're awake now. We're both awake, and the world is here…"


End file.
